The battle of the F words.

Fear, is mean.

Fear, can keep you up at night.

Fear, knows the hurts.

This Fear, he can control you.

And to be truthful, he knows this Perfectionist well. He knows where it hurts and why.

Did you guess that, or, did you just see a people person hell bent on pleasing?

Fall quarter started yesterday and over the past few days I have been struggling to not agree with what Fear has to say.

Because this is what he believes:

"Taking a dance class, which you have very little experience in, is just flat out crazy. You won't be perfect and will stick out like a sore thumb."

"The unknown of a science class that can be hard to understand and navigate, might just push you over the edge. And, what if the professor is a bit off the wall? Just think of the possibilities."

"Writing for the school news paper? Really? Don't you think you are over extending your abilities here? So what if it's a required class for your major? Doesn't mean you are going to be any good at it."

And my favorite.

"It's all just too scary. Walk away. Do the easy stuff. The stuff that you know and are comfortable with"

Do you hear my fears? Do you see a similarity in my insecurities even if they aren't exactly the same as yours?

And do you want to know the funniest part of my fears?

They all came true.

I am in a ballet class, which I have very very very little experience in. Oh and get this, this class isn't just for intermediate dancers, but, trained very skilled dancers as well. My perfectionist readers out there just had a heart attack, I know this because this heart had one when that little piece of information was made known yesterday.

My Geology class isn't the most structured or the most clear and my professor really should be teaching mad science instead of an Earth science. #thisshouldbefun

And I'm taking a class that will require me to write a story each week for the school paper while sitting in a room with huge computer screens, all the while praying I don't have a huge blinking arrow above my head that says "HEY EVERYBODY! This girl has no clue what she is doing!"

Now sure I could wallow in my fears, drop every class, avoid anything that I don't already have a grasp on, and sit at home watching Netflix.

But, would that truly be considered living?

And if I believe in a God who knows my days down to the very second, which I do, would I be following the commandments laid before me? Would I be truly sharing and showing the love of Christ? Would I be expressing the Gospel by staying barricaded in my room? Because I am sure Siri wouldn't be the one listening.

No.

Because Fear is just the absence of Faith.

If I cannot trust the God who closed the mouths of lions for Daniel, opened the sea for Moses, and placed Esther to rise in His name, on the simplest thing as a quarter at a university, then who am I to think He is going to answer my plea to set foot over seas to profess His name?

Fact is, He won't send me to a land where I can't trust the simplest things if I can't learn to trust Him with the smallest things.

I don't want to beckon Fear, I want to defeat him.

I don't want to rest in my insecurities, I want to find solace in my Savior.

I don't want to create barriers, I want the "Spirit to lead me where my trust is without boarders."

For the next 10 weeks will you throw your fear(s) off, whatever they may be, with me?

Will you rise each day with me to fight this battle against Fear?

Will you choose Faith over Fear?

Because Fear is a close friend to the Enemy. And if we fall prey to fear, we let the Enemy win.

So instead of faces masked with the fear of uncertainty, let us shine forth what we know.

This is our now, but He is watching from the finish line. He knows all. Our God is a big God and we can handle any uncertainty that life may throw us with Him.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving the broken and messed up people that we are. We are weak by ourselves, especially when we let Fear grip our hearts. But with you, we can do anything. I ask that you would wrap your arms around us and give us the strength to stand and the courage to fight, for your Kingdom.

Summer Part 3: the end.

 

 

Oh boy, here it is. The end of summer has come.

I start school in 6 days.

But, these last days will be spent prepping and adjusting for fall.

So how about that last list.

 

The desert landscape isn't always my favorite but, oh, the wide open space to view some awesome clouds, will never get old. I snapped the shot above on the highway headed home.

 

I scored Essie nail polish for $3.99. Y'all i'm serious. Crazy good deal.

 

And while we are on the subject of nail polish, since fall is around the corner I finally have the excuse to wear dark colors again. My favorite. Forget that cutesy hot pink or poppin' green, give me some deep reds and dark greys and i'm a happy girl.

 

I preordered a No. 41 tee that feeds 100 hundred sweet babes in Rwanda. Which is awesome. Y'all seriously need to go check them out. See the tee here. Also read their sweet story, will ya?

 

This summer I discovered Spits black pepper sunflower seeds. Delicious.

 

I haven't picked up a single book since my last post, but I'm okay with that. This fall I have a class that will require me to read 3 novels in 10 weeks, so needless to say, it might be good to have a break.

 

Ending the summer with a head cold isn't fun.

 

For the last couple of weeks I have been helping my mom out in her elementary school library. It has been fun but it also has included the onset of said head cold. Small kids + germs = my sniffly nose. 

 

I need to get a new backpack, since I have been using the same one for like ever and it's gonna give up on life any day now. Seriously.

 

My mom and I are spending my last weekend of summer together at Women of Faith. Can I get an WHOOO HOOO for girls weekend?

 

......

 

Alright, I'm done with my summer lists.

I hope you all had as blessed of a summer as I did.

Please join me in prayerfully entering fall.

Peace out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a lot like cake.

 

You see, I needed to bake a cake last night for tonight. It was last minute, it was late, and my mind wasn't all there. I am a scratch kind of girl, but because of the time constraint, boxed it had to be. So I put on some worship music, poured my self a glass of cranberry juice and placed a handful of almonds onto a pretty plate for snacking and began the process. I almost immediately became distracted with trying to do too many things at once and it all went down hill from there.

 

After I piled the ingredients in the bowl and began to mix, I noticed that the batter was unusually thick and by the time I poured it into the pan I had a creeping feeling that something was wrong. It wasn't spreading right, the consistency was off, and I was worried.

 

And then it dawned on me. I used a WHOLE stick of butter when the recipe only called for a 1/3 cup. Needless to say, my blood pressure was rising. Although, I forged on.

 

After being in the oven for only 15 minutes, the cake was done. Even though, the box clearly states it should at least be in the oven for 30 minutes. Uh oh. My mom and her ever encouraging self said to let it cool, go to bed, and check on it in the morning. She was sure it would be fine.

 

If you like VERY dense cake like brownies, then yes, it was right up your alley. But, my perfectionist self was not happy with it.

 

After some brain storming, my mom asked "did the recipe call for water?" I replied (while curling my hair down the hall) "No, I don't think so." And just like that, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, it was like a perfect image of the directions appeared in my brain. OF COURSE, it called for water. And my mom found the box that proved it.

 

So, we had our answer. The great mystery of cake like brownies was solved. And it was all my fault.

 

I was determined to start over and do it right. (there is that perfectionism again.) I crumbled up the original cake to make cake balls at a later date. And this afternoon my mom and I rushed to the store to pick up yet another box of cake mix, so I could prove to myself I could do it, perfectly.

 

The cake this time was a different story. I checked and rechecked my ingredients and stayed as focused as possible. I was not going to fail.

 

And now after it has been frosted, cut up, served, and complimented: I see it.

 

I am just like that first cake.

 

I am constantly trying to do life with my own recipe. And when I forget the Living water, I am messy and not easily moldable. I have too much filler like the greasy butter that tastes great and looks good from the outside, but in actuality is doing more damage than good. And then in the end, I am resistant to the way the baker wants me to be.

 

Yuck. Who wants that cake?

 

And then comes that baker with the grace + mercy. He sometimes will break you down, fill you with some frosting that works like glue to put you back together and use you for another purpose. And then other times He will go to the store and remake you from the ground up as a reminder of his vast plans for you. All the while knowing in His image he made the first cake, prepared and ready to build it up to it's full potential.

 

This. This is what makes the baker renowned. He doesn't give up and throw that cake away. He spends time making it into the creation He has called it to be. Molding and working on it with the sweetest care.

 

Like cake in the arms of mercy.

 

I am so thankful He has opened my eyes to see this lesson that could have been easily glossed over. I must admit, I wasn't planning on sharing this little mishap of mine. It was going to be me and the cake's secret, but I am learning to show the imperfection filled sides of myself.

 

And what better way then to talk about cake?

Summer: Part 2



 

It's time to take on the second part of listing out my summer. And, boy, is this going to be a big one. 

 

I've been avoiding it for this reason alone. It's quite a task. 

 

So lets get started, shall we?

 

First off, do you remember when I said my favorite picture from this year was the one I showed you in this post? Well, the one above. I believe just shot it's way to first. Thanks iPhone. I'm getting it developed and framed asap.

 

I spent about all of July out of state in a land where they say y'all and sweet tea is readily available wherever you go. I got to spend time with sweet relatives that deserve the titles of Aunt and Uncle and their cool kids (who are my cousins. of course). By family ties they are older cousins, but in my heart they are much more.

 

I did more "boy" activities in 4 weeks with my cousins then I have done in my whole life. Lets just say, I received a crash course in all things superheroes, Xbox, and Nerf guns.

 

Blue Bell Buttered Pecan ice cream. That's all i'm going to say, you have to figure out the rest on your own.

 

I learned sharing a bathroom with boys can be an adventure. Read: It is not unusual to find wire strippers and airsoft guns in precarious places. Like, right next to a curling iron.

 

I made numerous trips to a sporting goods store called Academy. For reasons i'm still not completely sure on.

 

Quoting Pitch Perfect happens, at least, once a day. And i'm being generous with the "at least."

 

She Reads Truth has been so life giving and sweet this summer. Learning about the Women in the Bible has been empowering and downright inspiring. We just finished part three out of four, but don't let that stop you from joining us, sister. Monday we begin the last parts of the study, and I hope to see you there.

 

After my trip in July, I had the chance to soak up a week with another awesome Aunt and Uncle that included my sweet HJ. He is pictured above. I absolutely hate the fact that they live so far away, but I will take the time we get together gladly.

 

Harley Jacob. You, Mister, mean bunches and bunches and bunches to me. You are growing up way too darn fast and if I could put life in slow motion just to savor your chubby little feet as they tackle milestones, I would.

 

I paid for Fall quarter's tuition. That was fun. (please know, there is nothing but sarcasm in that statement)

 

Also, I am avoiding ordering books for fall.

 

White Gardenia has got to be one of my favorite scents. Ever, It's right up there with Magnolia, for me. The underlying message here is, I should have been born in the south.

 

So I started Wuthering Heights awhile a really long time ago and i'm not even close to finishing it. I did, however, start and finish a book titled Seventeenth Summer in about 24 hours. I'm moving on to Emma, soon. It's just really really big.

 

I made a cute little bunting banner today, thanks to the Lowe's paint department.

 

As I reach the end of this list, I think it's silly to think someone would want to read about my summer. The whole time I have been writing, the thoughts "these words aren't meaningful" and "what does it matter?" have bounced around in my brain. And I have come to the conclusion, part of being real includes sharing life and sometimes that life doesn't include words that are considered to be profound or deeply thought provoking. It's what happens in the moments that matter. 

 

All in all, my summer continues to be full of blessings. I still have a about a month to experience and document, so stay tuned.

 

Because, it's still summer.

listing out the summer

 

 

Summer lovin', had me a blast, Summer lovin', happened so fast, Met a girl crazy for me, Met a boy cute as can be.....

 

Whoa...sorry about that, I used the title Summer Loving and boom flashback.

 

Two summers ago....or is it 3 now?... I was Patty Simcox from Ridel High. It was real, it was fun, and the show and the tunes will never leave me. I'm serious. Yikes.

 

Want to see proof?

 

 

Well now that I have gotten completely off topic, shall I get to the point? Fabulous.

 

In no particular order {other than numerical}, I give you my Summer thus far.

 

1. I got to flex my Alice Cullen skills and throw a less than 24 hours notice impromptu surprise party with some of my friends.

2. New Girl came to Netflix...needless to say, it has been a marathon.

3. I have a list of books I want to read this summer and for some reason I keep adding to it. Today, I added yet another one, Sheesh. I have knocked out the Cape Refuge series by Terri Blackstock, I am trudging through Wuthering Heights as of this moment as I stare at the enormous Emma by Jane Austen, and all the while partially longing to crack open my two other light hearted stories.

3. Valley Girl, ya know the movie? If you don't, lets just say, they don't make rom-coms like they did in the 80's folks. I'm watching that sucker allllllllllll the time.

4. I'm reading these blogs consistently: seeing joy + naptime diaries . I love these women's hearts. They are real life, sold out to Christ, grace full women. Y'all they are truly such blessings to my heart.  

5. I start with #shereadstruth an 8 week study on Monday about Women of the Bible. I am stoked to say the least. Join us!

6. Messy hair bun days are happening a lot more then I originally planned. This could be due to the miserably hot weather we have been experiencing....or at least I will blame it on that.

7. Oceans by Hillsong United. Have you heard it? It is seriously my go to song. My honest to goodness heart prayer in a song. Listen here.

8. A lot of Kohl's. We will just leave it at that.

9. I went to the Driving Range for the first time, ever. I wasn't sure how much I would enjoy it because 1) I am very competitive with my self. 2) it was real hot and 3) it was, well, golf. I am happy to say, I really did enjoy it, I was proud that I allowed myself to relax and genuinely try something new. I will most definitely be going back.

10.  VBS, oh man, those kids never cease to bless me during that week. And when they pray, sheesh, roll me the tissues. Such vulnerable awesome hearts talking to Jesus, it's awesome.

 

okay, I think that is the highlights from this part of summer. Stay tuned, I'm not real sure how many parts this may turn into.

 

Hope y'all are having a blessed summer!

{the tunnel}

Before we even begin I must inform you, I am attempting to write this post with wet/partially dry nails...okay here it goes.

I have officially completed 2 years of college, which means I am a Junior at a four year university. Can I get a thank you Jesus? and an Amen? For real, these two year have been long, rough at times, and an honest to goodness continued prayer of "ugh Lord, I don't loveeeeee this." If you have been around the blog awhile, you know this. Well.

It has been sort of like a tunnel. Ya know, those really long ones where you hold your breath and don't let go until you have reached the end? {Please tell me you have done that...} I started college knowing it was going to be a long journey with a few points of frustration + desperation, but two years in, I have had ALOT more frustrations and points of desperation then I ever expected and times where I was holding my breath {figuratively + physically} waiting for God to answer or things to happen. Needless to say, there have been moments when I thought this tunnel was never going to end.

Well I am pleased to say, I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, come this time in 2 years I will be a college graduate with a BA in Communications, and that my friends is pretty cool. For this goal setting gal right here, it means I am half way done. I have already completed two years, so I know I can do two more. Say what?

I know I haven't reached the end yet so I fully intend to encounter more frustration, but I also see where I have come from. The Lord has used these two years to break me and shape me, and to physically see that is pretty awesome. I haven't always enjoyed the learning curve, but I am sure finding joy in the results. My prayer come this Fall, is that the Lord will continue to mold me into who He wants me to be and that He will open doors for possibilities I couldn't even have dreamed of. There is a sweet sweet light at the end of my tunnel, and I am running for it. Whether it be in College or my life, I want to search for that light and come out the other side restored of breath knowing I was wrung out of every drop of glory for my Savior's Kingdom.

Thank you friends + family for your continued support and love. I could not accomplish this immense task without y'all. We still have 2 years, so let's hit the ground running shall we?

p.s. I wrote this post without a single smudge. Success.

{wrecked by grace}

In honor of the #shereadstruth first anniversary, I wanted to link up and share what has blessed me through this community. First I must tell you, I tried to make a vlog with no such luck. And to be honest I made multiple videos and struggled. I did not want my effort to be in vain because I glorified myself. So you get my words, typed with fingers who can be real honest when they aren't trying to impress.

So if I'm being real honest, I'd tell you grace is the lesson I was wrecked with. I joined the community early last July. I was seeking a way to play the part of the perfect Christian young adult who had spent her whole life within the church. I wasn't really in the word and neither was my life reflecting the heart of a Christ centered individual. On the surface I didn't see that this was the true reason I joined the community, but deep deep deep down that excuse was there.

In late July, everything came to ahead. My relationship with my high school sweetheart was on it's downward slide and I was struggling with having to go back to school in the Fall. Yet I was still going through the motions, letting everything just sort of soak in. When the relationship ended and school was almost unbearable, the Lord started his process of wrecking me with His grace, all through the SRT community. Through the honesty of the writers and the building of routine I was seeing God's word finally come to be real in my life. It was like the Lord was whispering sweet echos of grace and I was finally starting to listen. He didn't care if I was perfect, He was perfect. He didn't care if I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life, He already knew what I was going to be at my finish line, a daughter of the King. And He didn't care if I could hold it together every minute of the day, He wanted me to be raw and open. Day after day and month after month, He was still there and so was His grace.

Ever so slowly, my outlook started changing. I changed my major last fall and now feel the Lord's calming in my schooling. There are days where I'm still not a huge fan, but I am constantly reminded every morning that He has a plan and I am just supposed to be honoring Him with that plan{even if He didn't clear it with me first}. And with this sweet release of concern and frustration, He has been able to break and wreck my heart to see a place where it yearns to serve. You see, I have learned I have a passion for precious ones who the world considers the least of these. I want to run and scoop up as many littles who aren't loved and cherished as I can. Desperately. Just to hug them and whisper into their little ears that they are loved by a heavenly Father would be enough, but I have a feeling deep in my soul that tells me He wants more from me. Like a lot more. Now if you had told me this a year ago, I may have smiled, nodded, and chuckled about it later. That's girl's heart was hard. She didn't want to do anything that wasn't the cookie cutter American life style. But boy, the Lord has truly shaken me to my core. I no longer truly want that life, I want one that desperately and unconditionally follows, just to show His grace to others.

Everything was upside down and backwards last year. I wasn't on the path that the Lord longed for me to follow, but through His grace He wrecked me for all the right reasons. As I look back, I am oh so grateful for this year of learning and growing in Him. So thank you She Reads Truth for being that steward of His grace and loving on me as He began this process of shaping and changing me, y'all have blessed me in so many ways. You ladies rock!