you are here

Photo c/o Michelle Bongirno 

They say:

"After further consideration, we have decided to pursue other candidates for this opportunity."

"Your qualifications were reviewed and while impressive, were not  a suitable match for this position."

Or, my personal favorite (heavy sarcasm, here), nothing. 

The list of noes has grown quite long on my end of things. Basically, I'm at the corner of Never Getting Another Interview Again and Job Applications Are The Worst. 

For the sake of transparency and at the risk of sounding dramatic, I write this. For myself mostly, but for the possibility of someone else too. I made a promise early on in my career-hunt that I would be honest about this process for those who are following after -- those soon-to-be career-hunters. The world has told a lot of fake-it-till-you-make-it stories and has neglected to get real about how mucky and rough this season can be. The trenches of in-between college and a career can feel lonely and beyond frustrating. I don't want to be another rose-colored, everything was fine type story. I want the it's-dark-here-but-I'm-holding-out-for-hope type stories, because really, if we get strikingly honest, that's all the stories of every chapter of our honest-to-goodness lives. No filters to hide the uncomfortable or squares to crop out the less-lovely; just the reality and truth remain. 

Last week, I was scrolling through social media. I saw that a friend of mine, same age and recent college graduate, was a speaker at a conference. My first thought: "and I'm just here." Just at a regular job that doesn't require my degree or special skills. Just getting denied applications. Just bored out of my mind. Just wanting more. 

After I pitched my tent for a short while in pity-ville and had a small pity-party of one, I got real honest about my "just." Well the Lord did, actually. 

I was looking at my life as the kind of just -- barely, by a little -- and desiring more of what the world would define as success. My idea of more had gotten quite empty. 

As I clung to this idea of just (the little kind), I was basically saying F-you to all the opportunities I have currently. In other words, I was claiming they weren't enough for me. 

How stupid, right? Who was I to claim they weren't enough? 

I have always had a hard time being in the moment. My goals and minute by minute living (at times) can be consumed with what's coming -- the what's next portion. As a child, my favorite questions were "What are we doing?" "Where are we going?" and "Because why?" They haven't much changed, if I'm being honest. I like being in the know, I like preparing and knowing whats coming. And I really, really like knowing the why to everything. In this season, especially, I have been struggling to be content in the right here and right now with most my questions still hanging in the unanswered category. 

I have to make a conscious effort to set my heart and my mind in the moment, every moment. To set it any where else, I become discontent. Which is only selfishness, because I have NO reason to be discontent -- whether or not I have a plan or the answers to my questions. 

I am blessed to have the opportunity to hold a job for the moment in a place in which I get paid to read books to children and hear them say "wead anotha book! wead anotha book!" a million times over. Where else would I get to add voices to the bears, lions, horses, and elephants and be silly for the sake of growing souls? My degree certainly doesn't house many of these opportunities, if any at all. 

To consider these moments "just" anything is ignorance at best. Sure roaring like a lion, picking up legos or wiping boogers were not what I expected to be doing after college, but gracious. I swear, glory exudes when a child laughs. Its a laugh that brings me back, back to contentment -- back to not seeing the "just." 

I know, in a way, I've said this all before in previous blog posts or in Instagram captions. But, these feelings and this season remind me how easily we, as human beings, forget to remember what we know. 

When I landed my current job, I wrote this: Four years ago I never thought that this is where I would be, but you know what? I'm so damn grateful for it. I'm going to glean from this time and I'll be a better praiser of my creator because of it... Where ever you are, lay down those lies you've accepted as truth from the world and find ownership and glory in the space you find yourself in. It's all so very worth it.

In the day in and day out it is so easy to lose sight of the importance of a current moment. If we really were to break it down, the compilation of all these right-now moments are what develop a life. We (I) get so lost in the loftiness of the future that we (I) neglect to glean from what's happening in the now. The future matters, it does, but I don't want mine to consume these days.

I want to be here right now. 

Some days its a harder struggle than others. But, it's a wrestling match worth my participation and the best fight I can muster. 

The applications and the noes are rough. The unknown and the unanswered nature of this season can be frustrating.

But. The yeses are there and the grace still abounds. 

This testament -- these words -- I write are for me (maybe for you, too) on the days when the right now feels heavy and not enough all at the same time, because those days will still come. And though that fact be true, I still push for hope. 

Because I know that I know that I know, I'm supposed to be here -- right now. 

stop acting like you know

Graduating college is very similar, I would assume, to getting married or having a baby, in the sense that you have a good indicator what all these large milestones in life will supposedly entail. Yet, you never truly know or understand what they are until you are in the thick of them.

I left college knowing it would be change, difference, and newness. I knew that my rhythm of life would adjust to a new normal. And I knew how this season looked from my head's perspective.

It's striking how big milestones and changes can reflect our humanness, like very few others can. We think we know, and then the change actually happens. 

A month post-graduation, I know that what I knew was very little like what I know now. 

The application process is both life-sucking and depressing. Its hard to keep laying yourself out on the track, each time hoping that the train will slow down and not crush you and a little part of your soul as it runs full steam ahead. Motivation runs dry very quickly and its much easier to clean out the years of stuff you've stored under your bed, than write cover letters that you know will return a "thanks, but no thanks" response. Or even worse, no response. 

I've noticed people asking me the "are you busy" question a lot more often. Not necessarily because its being asked of me more, but because I'd actually LIKE to be busy. No job, no school, and a cleaned out bed make for a boring set of 24 hours. It isn't a problem that they ask, it just makes a neon sign in my head of this slow-paced season and its turtle-like qualities. 

But the biggest thing I've realized in the beginning parts of this season:

This is the first time in my life that I don't truly have a plan. When I graduated from high school, I knew I was headed to college. Sure I didn't know what the heck I had gotten myself into, but I knew the general gist of things. When uncertainty started to crowd in, I could at least rely on an acceptance letter and what it implicated. 

This time around, the idea of a "career" isn't enough to call a plan. The variables are large and sometimes can cast big shadows onto the future. 

The other night my dear friend said, five years ago we thought you'd be married and settled, but "You have the world at your feet. Its so exciting." 

And it SO is. But having the world at your feet can be deeply unnerving. The world implicates many options with wide parameters. So many possible choices. 

I often half-heartedly joke that i'll take the first job that will pay me, but I also want to truly know that I have made the right choice. I don't want to pry open or slip through cracked doors. I know to the depths of my soul that the Lord opens doors, and I only want to run through those swung wide open. But this season makes for a lot of uncertainty when it comes to knocking on what seems like an endless slew of doors (kind of like Hilbert's Infinite Hotel). 

I thought I knew what this season and change would hold, but daily as I sift through more applications and stare out the window; I am reminded that I know nothing. 

One day, I'm sure I'll read this post as a girl who's too busy once again with a career she's living and say "Silly girl, you had no idea." But here's the paradox, that same girl will be uncertain of other things and she'll be waiting on a different unknown. 

So that's all to say, I should stop acting like I know and soak up what the Lord has to teach me in this season. Easier said than done, of course, but worth it just the same. 

Because life is built of seasons unknown, and by grace we survive. 

what it feels like right now

Photo c/o Michelle Bongirno 

11 days.

We are a band of misfits. Some of us contemplating medical school and the daunting days it has in store with an exhausted body and soul. Some of us hold the unknown between our fingertips as we grasp the stacks and stacks of job applications, all of which make us feel uneasy, under qualified, and some what worthless. Some of us are just trying to hang on till graduation, because our minds and souls are wrung out and stretched too thin to think about anything else.

We are all charting waters and setting out onto paths for the first time, perhaps really for the first time in our young twenty-something lives, we set out alone. The routines and the rhythms we've known for 16+ years don't apply anymore and we must begin anew, like never before.

Beginning college wasn't the same as high school or middle school or elementary school, but it held the same sorts of principles that made the transition easier and more understandable. Yet, this time, the path isn't set and the variables are unlimited. While this transition is exciting and fresh, its scary and leaves us lying awake at night contemplating even the slightest bends and curves in the road. 

So when you ask a college student a little under 2 weeks away from graduation if they are excited, please don't expect us to be elated or jumping for joy. We're wrung out, practically terrified, and having serious thoughts of running away. It's just the truth. 

We will pull ourselves up by our bootstraps by the time we have to glide across the stage wearing funny hats and robes, but in the mean time, be patient with us. We ARE excited. We ARE looking forward to the fresh and the new. BUT. We are exhausted. And the light at the end of the tunnel is so close, its no longer at the end but blaring. We are blinded by the impending reality that is graduating from college.

We're sad too. Sometimes that's even hard for us to fully grasp or admit.

We've grown roots and become attached to the people and places, the sights and the smells. Basement offices have become our second homes and tucked away cozy corners of the library are our safe spaces. We know quite well the hum of the classrooms and the people who inhabit them. We choke up as professors, who pushed us and taught us more than just textbooks, hug us and tell us they wish us best. We're sentimental over the simplest card games, because the reality is we will most likely never be squished around the table with these people, our people, again. The idea of leaving this "home" and whispering those goodbyes make our hearts ache in ways we never expected.

Life is sending us on. Its beautiful and hard, but worth it just the same.

We are all going to seek a great perhaps, yet in these last few days let us live in the now.

11 days. 

ends and tunnels

The beginning of the end. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

I have uttered these cliches more times than I can count over the last few months in preparation and as the result of beginning my last quarter of college (this past September). 

I graduate this coming December. December 12th to be exact.

I have 10...err...11ish weeks left of my 4 year stay, a stay in which I used to think would last an eternity. 

I created this blog at the beginning of this stay, in the summer of 2011, as a way to process and write this chapter of my life as it played out. I've semi-regularly chronicled the moments of this chunk of time for a little over 4 years now and it feels strange to be on the other end of that timeline now. Good. But, nevertheless, strange. 

Some parts of me have begun to let go and look towards the new chapter I am entering into, I have applied and interviewed for my first career possibility and am knee deep in the application process for the second, but with the voice of my high school associated student body adviser in my head, I am attempting to "be in the moment." To not rush these last weeks, to not start cutting the strings, to not halt the growth and the learning that is left. 

And if I am being honest, I'd say i'm not ready to write the thank you notes and the goodbye letters. I'm not yet okay with walking away and leaving what feels like my basement turned second home. I will be come December, but not here in the October or November. Not here in the in-between(s). Not in the climax of this story. 

There's still the fresh and eager 8 who make up the News section to work with and teach.

There's still the Senior Project left lying incomplete and ill-equipped on the edge of the desk.

There's still the backdrop of mountains, who are the friction love child of fault line(s), against the blue to be admired. 

There's still roller chair derby tournaments and rounds of BS to conquer in a echoy basement on nights that last just shy of dawn. 

There's still cramped fingers to be had from lectures and fast paced notes. 

There's still things to be learned, laughter to be had, and life to be lived. 

I'll save the nice wrap up and the eulogy of my college career for a later date.

For now, though, I'll live this season. 

so how's school?

Ya know that question that everybody asks-- the obligatory "how's school going?" question. The one you typically answer "good, busy but good" to?

Well I am here to tell it to you straight. School is quite literally running me into the ground. Okay, its not "literally" shoving me to the ground and holding me there, but you get the picture. I've got assignments out the wahzoo, a calendar so full of color coated engagements its starting to resemble a rainbow, and a sanity that's hanging on by a thread. 

What day is it? I don't know. Did I eat dinner? Maybe. Have I done laundry? Ummmm. 

Is it too late to quit school and be all about that gypsy life?

WAIT, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY?! What happened to January?!

Either those last few sentences are giving you a better understanding of my thought process or you are currently concluding that I am a nut job. You could make a strong argument for either case.

If you still need clarification on the frame of mind I am currently living in, I turned in an essay with my name misspelled. MY OWN NAME. Everything else was grammatically sound and coherent, but my darn name of all things was turned in incorrectly. Goodness gracious. 

Most days I am sleep deprived, most likely hungry, and wishing for a class to be canceled so I can take a mental break. 

So this is all to say if you see me in between now and summer break and I looked frazzled and a little aloof, this is why. And if you ask me how school is going, I'll still probably give you the good but busy answer in fear of looking like an absolute lunatic with giving the truer one.

With tired eyes, hope, and a constant flow of caffeine I push on for the finish line.  December is coming. A cap and gown is coming. A degree is coming.  The future is coming.

On your marks, get set, lets GO. 

artful worship

It's Thursday. I'm in the library. I just finished my last Oral Interpretation class for the quarter. And I'd thought i'd tell you all a story.

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of the post, how's about a run down of the course? 

Oral interpretation is basically about learning how to tell stories to an audience. Whether a poem or a children's book, it's about making the story and its characters come to life. My professor taught it from a Drama perspective, so we also got to do duo drama scenes and readers theater projects. 

Okay, now onto the main point. 

I love theater and performing, I was in drama all throughout high school, but this class shook me. In a good kind of all-shook up way. 

y'all, I loved and learned in this class more than I thought I ever could. Sure I knew what I was doing on stage from past experiences, but something about the setting or the way it was taught gave me a chance to soak it all in. 

You see part of my problem was, I HATED vocal/warm up exercises in the past. I loathed them, actually. In my opinion, they were silly and obnoxious. What. Was. The. Point. I can be a pretty serious individual and these things just seemed flat out ridiculous to me. 

Low and behold, in this class my professor started every single class with these very things. Early on I had to consciously make the decision to roll with the punches and DO them. No ifs, ands, or buts.  And you know what? I fell in love with them. They were relaxing, rejuvenating, and focusing for the task at hand. I let loose, made some funny noises with my voice, and sure as heck looked like an idiot, yet it was good. I freed myself from the handicapping fear of looking silly and it opened me up to experiencing the class fully.

I remembered how much I missed the stage and the rush of excitement and pure chaos it ensues inside of you. This class gave me a reason to live this feeling again. I was blessed with great partners and enjoyed the time we had to work on our scenes and develop our characters. 

Today, for our last performance I left it all on the stage. I was silly, exaggerated, and didn't hold back like the old Clarissa would have done. It was just what the scene was asking for and all that the character needed. I left sweaty and out of breath, absolutely on fire for future performances. It was something I hadn't felt in a long while. 

I never expected glean so much from this course as I did, but boy, am I glad I opened up my expectations to the blessings the Lord had for me in this class. If anything, throughout college He has taught me to not be so up tight about the little things. I still struggle to do this, but He is loving me and blessing me with classes like this one to learn and grow. 

Recently my friend said Followers of Christ have the most reason of all people to be at the forefront of the arts...because when we create, we worship. And I couldn't agree more. 

One day I'll know how the Lord wants me to use my talents to communicate His love, until then, I'll seek earnestly all the possible paths that my talents employ. If that means one day I'll tell stories and act for His kingdom, awesome. If not, I'll follow His will and be the silliest [with in reason, I'm still pretty type A] mom/storyteller around. I can't wait to see the tears of shame and embarrassment my future children will cry :)  

the battle and the war

One of the many beautiful sunrises I have experienced on the way to school.

Early in the quarter I wrote here about my battle with fear and its grip on me.

The quarter will end this coming Thursday and its time to come clean and unpack the battle.

Here's the deal, y'all. In the beginning I was consciously going into each day with a plan to fight fear, but somewhere along the way I lost the consciousness of it all and settled into a comfortable half way point.

You see, part way through the battle I began to lose a sense of fear and live day to day with a sense of understanding. I got used to these new circumstances and they didn't affect me in the same ways.

In my dance class, there was a routine established. I knew that there was going to be a bar exercise first and then floor work was only going to last about 45 minutes. It was doable and I was able to use the routine as a coping mechanism when the hard stuff came up.

In Geology, however crazy or annoying my professor was being, I knew that the ranting would end after an hour and 50 minutes. Sure his constant late arrivals and half explained assignments took their toll, but I was able to filter what I really needed to focus on. It took ten weeks and a lot of prayer to get to that complete mindset, but I got there.

And with Newspaper, I was able to establish friendships and begin to understand the ways of the newspaper biz. It was fun to complete an article and see my name in print. My professor turned out to be pretty awesome as well.

So I guess what I have come to the conclusion of is this: early on I made the decision to fight fear and focus on the Lord's already mapped out plan for my quarter. I decided to see it  for what it was, a good plan, and choose to make the best of it. Because I did this, I didn't have to consciously battle fear in every moment. And since I rested in that, I began to even enjoy parts of these "out of my comfort zone" places.

I know this quarter was only a battle and not the war. I cant forget this focus, but I know I grew from the experiences these classes provided and I can entertain the thought of Winter quarter with a lighter heart.

Praise the good Lord in Heaven, I made it through!

Do y'all have any stories on how you battled your Fear? If so, I would love to hear.

The battle of the F words.

Fear, is mean.

Fear, can keep you up at night.

Fear, knows the hurts.

This Fear, he can control you.

And to be truthful, he knows this Perfectionist well. He knows where it hurts and why.

Did you guess that, or, did you just see a people person hell bent on pleasing?

Fall quarter started yesterday and over the past few days I have been struggling to not agree with what Fear has to say.

Because this is what he believes:

"Taking a dance class, which you have very little experience in, is just flat out crazy. You won't be perfect and will stick out like a sore thumb."

"The unknown of a science class that can be hard to understand and navigate, might just push you over the edge. And, what if the professor is a bit off the wall? Just think of the possibilities."

"Writing for the school news paper? Really? Don't you think you are over extending your abilities here? So what if it's a required class for your major? Doesn't mean you are going to be any good at it."

And my favorite.

"It's all just too scary. Walk away. Do the easy stuff. The stuff that you know and are comfortable with"

Do you hear my fears? Do you see a similarity in my insecurities even if they aren't exactly the same as yours?

And do you want to know the funniest part of my fears?

They all came true.

I am in a ballet class, which I have very very very little experience in. Oh and get this, this class isn't just for intermediate dancers, but, trained very skilled dancers as well. My perfectionist readers out there just had a heart attack, I know this because this heart had one when that little piece of information was made known yesterday.

My Geology class isn't the most structured or the most clear and my professor really should be teaching mad science instead of an Earth science. #thisshouldbefun

And I'm taking a class that will require me to write a story each week for the school paper while sitting in a room with huge computer screens, all the while praying I don't have a huge blinking arrow above my head that says "HEY EVERYBODY! This girl has no clue what she is doing!"

Now sure I could wallow in my fears, drop every class, avoid anything that I don't already have a grasp on, and sit at home watching Netflix.

But, would that truly be considered living?

And if I believe in a God who knows my days down to the very second, which I do, would I be following the commandments laid before me? Would I be truly sharing and showing the love of Christ? Would I be expressing the Gospel by staying barricaded in my room? Because I am sure Siri wouldn't be the one listening.

No.

Because Fear is just the absence of Faith.

If I cannot trust the God who closed the mouths of lions for Daniel, opened the sea for Moses, and placed Esther to rise in His name, on the simplest thing as a quarter at a university, then who am I to think He is going to answer my plea to set foot over seas to profess His name?

Fact is, He won't send me to a land where I can't trust the simplest things if I can't learn to trust Him with the smallest things.

I don't want to beckon Fear, I want to defeat him.

I don't want to rest in my insecurities, I want to find solace in my Savior.

I don't want to create barriers, I want the "Spirit to lead me where my trust is without boarders."

For the next 10 weeks will you throw your fear(s) off, whatever they may be, with me?

Will you rise each day with me to fight this battle against Fear?

Will you choose Faith over Fear?

Because Fear is a close friend to the Enemy. And if we fall prey to fear, we let the Enemy win.

So instead of faces masked with the fear of uncertainty, let us shine forth what we know.

This is our now, but He is watching from the finish line. He knows all. Our God is a big God and we can handle any uncertainty that life may throw us with Him.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving the broken and messed up people that we are. We are weak by ourselves, especially when we let Fear grip our hearts. But with you, we can do anything. I ask that you would wrap your arms around us and give us the strength to stand and the courage to fight, for your Kingdom.

{the tunnel}

Before we even begin I must inform you, I am attempting to write this post with wet/partially dry nails...okay here it goes.

I have officially completed 2 years of college, which means I am a Junior at a four year university. Can I get a thank you Jesus? and an Amen? For real, these two year have been long, rough at times, and an honest to goodness continued prayer of "ugh Lord, I don't loveeeeee this." If you have been around the blog awhile, you know this. Well.

It has been sort of like a tunnel. Ya know, those really long ones where you hold your breath and don't let go until you have reached the end? {Please tell me you have done that...} I started college knowing it was going to be a long journey with a few points of frustration + desperation, but two years in, I have had ALOT more frustrations and points of desperation then I ever expected and times where I was holding my breath {figuratively + physically} waiting for God to answer or things to happen. Needless to say, there have been moments when I thought this tunnel was never going to end.

Well I am pleased to say, I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, come this time in 2 years I will be a college graduate with a BA in Communications, and that my friends is pretty cool. For this goal setting gal right here, it means I am half way done. I have already completed two years, so I know I can do two more. Say what?

I know I haven't reached the end yet so I fully intend to encounter more frustration, but I also see where I have come from. The Lord has used these two years to break me and shape me, and to physically see that is pretty awesome. I haven't always enjoyed the learning curve, but I am sure finding joy in the results. My prayer come this Fall, is that the Lord will continue to mold me into who He wants me to be and that He will open doors for possibilities I couldn't even have dreamed of. There is a sweet sweet light at the end of my tunnel, and I am running for it. Whether it be in College or my life, I want to search for that light and come out the other side restored of breath knowing I was wrung out of every drop of glory for my Savior's Kingdom.

Thank you friends + family for your continued support and love. I could not accomplish this immense task without y'all. We still have 2 years, so let's hit the ground running shall we?

p.s. I wrote this post without a single smudge. Success.