on the other side of 22

Every year, I have written a birthday post. It's been a time to use my words to bid ado to the year previous and prepare/pray/dream/cast vision about the new year ahead. It's something I have always considered a sacred group of words that seek to honor the blessing living this life is, which threaded together create a concrete timeline for reflection later -- a visual of what the Lord will do and has done.

Last year, I felt itchy and restless. I couldn't bring the words to my fingers tips, let alone know what words I wanted to represent my twenty-second year. My world was in more limbo than ever had it been before. This birthday came on the eve of change. In the middle of my final quarter of college, I entered a new chapter altogether. What would follow after that early day in October only created more limbo and more uncertainty.

Goodbyes. Unemployment. Adventures. Urgent care trips. Weddings. Distance. All things I couldn't see coming. 

I wracked my heart and brain at the time for the words and the vision and the prayer, but I felt slightly like someone had turned off my gravity switch and I was just floating around bumping into people, things, moments, and memories. What was I going to do with such a blurry outlook with no words or actions to fill the void? 

To be honest, here we are a year later, on the other side of 22, and I still haven't a solid conglomeration of words or a complete understanding of the past year. Or the new one -- 23 feels just as foggy.

Yet, I'm pretty sure I'm okay with the fog and the confusion. Don't get me wrong it's still strange and uncomfortable at times, but I'm grateful to not understand everything. I believe in a Creator who does know it all, therefore surrendering complete knowledge comes with the territory.

This I know: last year was sacred and this coming year will be just as sacred, regardless of what comes my way. Life is one heck of a gift and it kills me to doubt any bit of it.

For 23, I'm jumping on the roller coaster and lowering the bar tight against me. There will be whoops and dips and loops.

"Hope can be a mighty powerful thing when you decide to tangle it into a journey. Hope can shake things up a bit. It'll convince you that even if you don't know which direction you're headed in, something will meet you at the end." - Hannah Brencher, If You Find This Letter 

I'm going to write this year a love letter drenched in hope. It'll be beautiful and broken -- just the way it's meant to be. 

In her shoes. at 20 years and 11 days.

              

I have been wanting/needing to write this post for some time now...like eleven days.

I wrote last year about my birthday and what I wanted from the year here, and I think its a good tradition to begin.

So here we are, whether its late or not.

Age twenty is interesting. I haven't completely gotten used to the whole idea, yet. Not because I am lamenting my teenage years, but because at twenty I am supposed to be really "living" life.

Big dreams, lots of friends, grand adventures, and throwing caution to the wind.

These are, of course, the world's view on my twenties.

Yet here I sit, on a Sunday night with a cup of Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea. I don't have real "big" dreams. I have friends, but I don't hang out with large groups usually. I don't go on grand adventures, I guess you could say I am a homebody. I certainly am not the type of person who throws caution to the wind.

And oddly enough, i'm okay with all of that.

I don't want my twentieth year to be all about me and the things I do, but what the Lord has done in me and through me.

This year

I want the Lord to teach me to be a woman of grace.

I want the Lord to use me to be a steward of His glory.

I want the Lord to embolden me for His kingdom.

I'm an imperfect perfectionist, who is waiting to be sent and to find love, with a heart that needs to learn how to better bestow grace.

That's me at twenty. And I want to be so much more at twenty one.  

{Nineteenth}

Well, it is that time of year again.

I am officially another year older.

I am now 19.

Next year I will be two decades old young.

sheesh.

I must say, I have mixed feelings about this year's birthday.

There are so many things that are not how I planned or expected as I start out my nineteenth year. Which is making me ponder a bit more on how I want to spend it.

So how is this year going to look?

What do I want the 20 year old Clarissa to feel in a years time?

What will she say as her 19th year draws to a close?

How does she want the ones around her to feel about her life?

What does she want her King to say about her in this time of life?

Truth is friends,

I want My words to be bolder for Christ.

My love to speak louder.

My smile to be stronger.

My laugh to be lighter.

And My outlook sweeter.

Goodness, that is a lot.

As I write this, my Pandora station plays "Made to Worship"

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be

I could just cry.

This should be my focus.

Every year.

This is all I need to strive for.

That is my calling.

How wonderful my Lord is to give me such a blessing as this!

So I guess, that is how I want the twenty year old Clarissa, the ones around her, and her Lord to see her in a years time.

A woman who has truly found where she is meant to be.

Worshiping.

Loving, through her Lord.

Surrendered to His will, alone.

Showing grace and resting in the arms of grace.

And embracing it all.

...

I prayerfully enter this year.

With a renewed heart and open eyes.

Because of Christ and our faith in Him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God's presence.

Ephesians 3:12