{Check Up}

Check up on the studies and the heart.

In the beginning of this quarter, I was immediately overwhelmed. I was unhappy at school and frustrated with the classes I was taking. Basically, I was allowing the Devil to steal my joy and take my focus away from where it really needed to be.

To be honest, it got to the point where I was contemplating quiting school all together.

I know, I know I'm a silly girl.

One morning as I was driving to school the Lord tugged at my heart and met me where I was. He reminded me that going to school and getting a four year education was a blessing. And most importantly, while going to school I should be worshiping Him. With this four years of my life I was to honor Him in my studies. Talk about a smack in the face. I was convicted and I chose to change my attitude. Instead of focusing on the impending masses of work and the frustrations of a non Christian college, I decided that I would focus mainly on loving Jesus through this time and giving Him the direction of my life.

And let me tell you friends, that weight that sat on my shoulders just rolled off!

When you aren't stressing about things that don't need to be stressed about, it is amazing how much you can get done.

Go figure.

It is now the end of week eight out of eleven. {yay!} Since I have given up on stressing {remember it is still a work in progress} I have found peace in going to school and getting my four year degree. I find joy in the morning while driving to school as I worship and sing to the Lord while the local Christian radio station plays. I try to look beyond these professor's worldliness and see their enjoyment of the subject they teach. And I focus on the new friendship the Lord has blessed me with at this school. He has brought into my life a lovely lady who loves Him and shares in my same joys and struggles. How awesome is that! Kel, you rock. {I shorten everyone's name. Her full name is Kelly. But her nick name is Kel. Yes friends, at least for me it is}It has been a joy to have classes with you and get to know you in our break times/ Language Lab hours on Fridays. It is going to be a total bummer next quarter not having class with you!

With all this being said, I have found that "in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed" and that I am learning to live my day(s) with the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who already knows where and who I will be at the finish line of my life. He knows all and sees it all. already. There is no reason for me to stress. 

I am making it through these years of school, holding His hand. Because that is the only way I can.

Now considering the matters of my heart, it is much the same. Of course, I am holding the Lord's hand in this matter as well. He knows, I wouldn't have gotten this far without Him.

It has been a long {looooonnnnngggggg...you get the picture} road, but I finally don't feel that deep gut wrenching knock the wind out of ya kinda pain anymore. Some days are still better than others, but I am really okay. The other day was the 14th. Now in the past I would have realized this date was coming up, I would have harped on it and got myself into a tizzy {Hey English major Kel, is that a word?} over it. But, I wrote the date on one of my pages of notes and it took a few minutes for it to sink in that "this would have been our {insert number here} month." And as I sat back, I realized I wasn't waiting for the tears to build up behind my eyelids anymore. I wasn't thinking about what we would have been doing. I wasn't spending the rest of my day thinking about it. I was okay.

I thank God for this simple comfort. I know that because of His mercy and grace, He has loved me through the endless questions of Why and the long nights of tears. And because of this, He is now showing me the blessings of trusting in Him and His plans.

If you would have told me 3 and a half months ago that this day of accepting and okay-ness {now I know that isn't a word} would suddenly wash over me, I would have probably rolled my eyes and said "mmmhmmmm sure." How quickly I forget God's amazing comforts in our time of hurting. I can only pray that if he {Smith} has struggled like I have, he is taking shelter in those same comforts I have rested in. 

But I must admit, I am not completely out the woods just yet. There are things I have yet to accomplish. Such as listening to the songs "Crazy girl" or "I love you this big" without losing it. Most of the time I just avoid the songs all together to play it safe and not scare my fellow drivers on the road {Yes, you're welcome!}. And if we are being honest, which is the whole point of this blog, there are still two saved voice mail messages from the "good times"on my phone that he left me. 

Baby steps climb mountains and one day I will get to the top of this one, just in time to climb the next one.

Most importantly out all of this, I find joy in knowing that climbing this mountain has brought me closer to God and for that I must say I am thankful.

That friends, is my treasure in the darkness.

And boy, do I treasure it!

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This period in my life has been a blessing whether I choose to acknowledged it as such or not.

How blessed I am to sit and talk about my college life and the feelings of my heart with a cup of tea, while others struggle to put food in their bellies and shoes on their feet.

The Lord cares for me.

He cares for you.

Be blessed.