stop acting like you know

Graduating college is very similar, I would assume, to getting married or having a baby, in the sense that you have a good indicator what all these large milestones in life will supposedly entail. Yet, you never truly know or understand what they are until you are in the thick of them.

I left college knowing it would be change, difference, and newness. I knew that my rhythm of life would adjust to a new normal. And I knew how this season looked from my head's perspective.

It's striking how big milestones and changes can reflect our humanness, like very few others can. We think we know, and then the change actually happens. 

A month post-graduation, I know that what I knew was very little like what I know now. 

The application process is both life-sucking and depressing. Its hard to keep laying yourself out on the track, each time hoping that the train will slow down and not crush you and a little part of your soul as it runs full steam ahead. Motivation runs dry very quickly and its much easier to clean out the years of stuff you've stored under your bed, than write cover letters that you know will return a "thanks, but no thanks" response. Or even worse, no response. 

I've noticed people asking me the "are you busy" question a lot more often. Not necessarily because its being asked of me more, but because I'd actually LIKE to be busy. No job, no school, and a cleaned out bed make for a boring set of 24 hours. It isn't a problem that they ask, it just makes a neon sign in my head of this slow-paced season and its turtle-like qualities. 

But the biggest thing I've realized in the beginning parts of this season:

This is the first time in my life that I don't truly have a plan. When I graduated from high school, I knew I was headed to college. Sure I didn't know what the heck I had gotten myself into, but I knew the general gist of things. When uncertainty started to crowd in, I could at least rely on an acceptance letter and what it implicated. 

This time around, the idea of a "career" isn't enough to call a plan. The variables are large and sometimes can cast big shadows onto the future. 

The other night my dear friend said, five years ago we thought you'd be married and settled, but "You have the world at your feet. Its so exciting." 

And it SO is. But having the world at your feet can be deeply unnerving. The world implicates many options with wide parameters. So many possible choices. 

I often half-heartedly joke that i'll take the first job that will pay me, but I also want to truly know that I have made the right choice. I don't want to pry open or slip through cracked doors. I know to the depths of my soul that the Lord opens doors, and I only want to run through those swung wide open. But this season makes for a lot of uncertainty when it comes to knocking on what seems like an endless slew of doors (kind of like Hilbert's Infinite Hotel). 

I thought I knew what this season and change would hold, but daily as I sift through more applications and stare out the window; I am reminded that I know nothing. 

One day, I'm sure I'll read this post as a girl who's too busy once again with a career she's living and say "Silly girl, you had no idea." But here's the paradox, that same girl will be uncertain of other things and she'll be waiting on a different unknown. 

So that's all to say, I should stop acting like I know and soak up what the Lord has to teach me in this season. Easier said than done, of course, but worth it just the same. 

Because life is built of seasons unknown, and by grace we survive. 

the end is NYE

If I could see your face and hear your heart right now, i'd tell you I feel a bit befuddled over the change of what is to be.

These past few days I have been mulling over what to say and how to feel about this last year; i've been struggling to pin point my exact sentiments and emotions of this past year. 

2015 was:

Turning 22. Graduating college. Adopting a kitten. Doing the real-deal job interviews. Taking a call from The New York Times. Discovering a potential eye disease. Feeling a February that felt like May. Competing my butt off at a state wide research competition. Seeking grace. Driving all day with a sweet red head just for Shake Shack. Ditching class for too much whipped cream on waffles. Rescuing vintage furniture from the side of the road. Trying pink hair. Celebrating weddings and mourning a missed first birthday. Clinging to sunrises and knowing the proximity of Terror. Seeing love in the shade. Wearing plaid pants. Laughing at two ever so much in love from the backseat. Eating pizza in a car with a piece of Broadway blaring. Watching hummingbirds grow. Retexturing ceilings and cursing popcorn. Telling the story of Special Olympics athletes. Becoming a twitter-er. Falling in love with yoga. Slapping on a fresh coat of paint. Wearing all the stripes. 

It sounds redundant and pointless to say that change is coming. Because, every single year the calendar changes and we change with it. Its nothing new.

Maybe we don't change in all the big and loud ways every time, sometimes -- most times the change is subtle. But those subtleties, by the end of the year or season or moment, some how make us. 

We pour so much into our days here this side of heaven, consciously and subconsciously, that by the end of the year I always feel a little drained.  The goodbye, the hello, the hope, and the dread all are rolled into the passing of another year. 

2016 will beckon a lot of change into my life. It will usher in so much unknown. 

And the only way to begin is to start. Yet, there is always this moment of pause and reflection as the end draws nye. I love that we as creatures are conscious of moments, spaces, and times. We know we are mere mortals and in the end our time always draws short. It is a privilege to understand time and to recognize its beauty. 

As the clock strikes midnight and the champagne is popped, all will be as it should be. 2016 will begin and begin its process of ending all at once. How strange and wonderful.

Jesus, you go before. 

what it feels like right now

Photo c/o Michelle Bongirno 

11 days.

We are a band of misfits. Some of us contemplating medical school and the daunting days it has in store with an exhausted body and soul. Some of us hold the unknown between our fingertips as we grasp the stacks and stacks of job applications, all of which make us feel uneasy, under qualified, and some what worthless. Some of us are just trying to hang on till graduation, because our minds and souls are wrung out and stretched too thin to think about anything else.

We are all charting waters and setting out onto paths for the first time, perhaps really for the first time in our young twenty-something lives, we set out alone. The routines and the rhythms we've known for 16+ years don't apply anymore and we must begin anew, like never before.

Beginning college wasn't the same as high school or middle school or elementary school, but it held the same sorts of principles that made the transition easier and more understandable. Yet, this time, the path isn't set and the variables are unlimited. While this transition is exciting and fresh, its scary and leaves us lying awake at night contemplating even the slightest bends and curves in the road. 

So when you ask a college student a little under 2 weeks away from graduation if they are excited, please don't expect us to be elated or jumping for joy. We're wrung out, practically terrified, and having serious thoughts of running away. It's just the truth. 

We will pull ourselves up by our bootstraps by the time we have to glide across the stage wearing funny hats and robes, but in the mean time, be patient with us. We ARE excited. We ARE looking forward to the fresh and the new. BUT. We are exhausted. And the light at the end of the tunnel is so close, its no longer at the end but blaring. We are blinded by the impending reality that is graduating from college.

We're sad too. Sometimes that's even hard for us to fully grasp or admit.

We've grown roots and become attached to the people and places, the sights and the smells. Basement offices have become our second homes and tucked away cozy corners of the library are our safe spaces. We know quite well the hum of the classrooms and the people who inhabit them. We choke up as professors, who pushed us and taught us more than just textbooks, hug us and tell us they wish us best. We're sentimental over the simplest card games, because the reality is we will most likely never be squished around the table with these people, our people, again. The idea of leaving this "home" and whispering those goodbyes make our hearts ache in ways we never expected.

Life is sending us on. Its beautiful and hard, but worth it just the same.

We are all going to seek a great perhaps, yet in these last few days let us live in the now.

11 days. 

ends and tunnels

The beginning of the end. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

I have uttered these cliches more times than I can count over the last few months in preparation and as the result of beginning my last quarter of college (this past September). 

I graduate this coming December. December 12th to be exact.

I have 10...err...11ish weeks left of my 4 year stay, a stay in which I used to think would last an eternity. 

I created this blog at the beginning of this stay, in the summer of 2011, as a way to process and write this chapter of my life as it played out. I've semi-regularly chronicled the moments of this chunk of time for a little over 4 years now and it feels strange to be on the other end of that timeline now. Good. But, nevertheless, strange. 

Some parts of me have begun to let go and look towards the new chapter I am entering into, I have applied and interviewed for my first career possibility and am knee deep in the application process for the second, but with the voice of my high school associated student body adviser in my head, I am attempting to "be in the moment." To not rush these last weeks, to not start cutting the strings, to not halt the growth and the learning that is left. 

And if I am being honest, I'd say i'm not ready to write the thank you notes and the goodbye letters. I'm not yet okay with walking away and leaving what feels like my basement turned second home. I will be come December, but not here in the October or November. Not here in the in-between(s). Not in the climax of this story. 

There's still the fresh and eager 8 who make up the News section to work with and teach.

There's still the Senior Project left lying incomplete and ill-equipped on the edge of the desk.

There's still the backdrop of mountains, who are the friction love child of fault line(s), against the blue to be admired. 

There's still roller chair derby tournaments and rounds of BS to conquer in a echoy basement on nights that last just shy of dawn. 

There's still cramped fingers to be had from lectures and fast paced notes. 

There's still things to be learned, laughter to be had, and life to be lived. 

I'll save the nice wrap up and the eulogy of my college career for a later date.

For now, though, I'll live this season. 

the in between(s)

The in between(s) are really hard on me, at least that's what I'm learning in this season of what feels like nothing but endings and the waiting on beginnings.

I'll finish school up this coming December, "real-adult" like life will start after that, along with which will come a bunch of other big heart things to size up and settle into before the looming deadline. Its weird and uncomfortable, to be honest. I've been warring with being content, holding on, and running full speed ahead for sometime now. 

Have you seen Inside Out yet? If you have, you can sort of get a mental picture of what the inside of my head looks like currently. For the record, no, I'm not hearing voices. Just a 20-something with the world at her finger tips (why the cliches? whyyyyy?) and the fear of the unknown all wrapped up into one little body. While college was new territory, it reflected the same sort of routine I had spent the last 12 years perfecting with just a sckoosh more freedom. Now that its all coming to an end and the comfortable little nest I've cozied myself into is pushing me out, I'm entering the real new territory. 

I've never been an adult before.

There, I said it. The perfectionist in me wants to act like I know what I'm doing and not seek help, but let's be real, girl needs some real soul searching and humility to enter this season.

I mean rent, careers, love-lives, and couch shopping are all things that call for guidance. 

I preach at myself mostly in this contributor blog post about seasons for my church, which I encourage you to read here.

But there is seriously some hard core thoughts and feelings left to unravel and break open as I enter and exit the in between(s).

So, I guess you should be prepared for a lot of that to happen and play out through the resurrection of this sacred writing space for my soul. 

Though, I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord. Psalm 27:13

so how's school?

Ya know that question that everybody asks-- the obligatory "how's school going?" question. The one you typically answer "good, busy but good" to?

Well I am here to tell it to you straight. School is quite literally running me into the ground. Okay, its not "literally" shoving me to the ground and holding me there, but you get the picture. I've got assignments out the wahzoo, a calendar so full of color coated engagements its starting to resemble a rainbow, and a sanity that's hanging on by a thread. 

What day is it? I don't know. Did I eat dinner? Maybe. Have I done laundry? Ummmm. 

Is it too late to quit school and be all about that gypsy life?

WAIT, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY?! What happened to January?!

Either those last few sentences are giving you a better understanding of my thought process or you are currently concluding that I am a nut job. You could make a strong argument for either case.

If you still need clarification on the frame of mind I am currently living in, I turned in an essay with my name misspelled. MY OWN NAME. Everything else was grammatically sound and coherent, but my darn name of all things was turned in incorrectly. Goodness gracious. 

Most days I am sleep deprived, most likely hungry, and wishing for a class to be canceled so I can take a mental break. 

So this is all to say if you see me in between now and summer break and I looked frazzled and a little aloof, this is why. And if you ask me how school is going, I'll still probably give you the good but busy answer in fear of looking like an absolute lunatic with giving the truer one.

With tired eyes, hope, and a constant flow of caffeine I push on for the finish line.  December is coming. A cap and gown is coming. A degree is coming.  The future is coming.

On your marks, get set, lets GO. 

things I wanted to say in 2014

As I prepared to write my #turn2015 post, I couldn't help but notice all the posts I had started and never finished late last year. Writers block had hit and hit hard. My inspiration was aloof and I was struggling to write my thoughts coherently and expressively. 

I thought it would be fun to do a conglomerate post of all those things I had started to say in a way that made sense. I still think these thoughts hold some merit to them and should be shared. I don't want these words to be lost in the shuffle.

Harnessed talents and passions // 8.23.14

This past week I have been thinking a lot about the paths we as people take through life and the people who guide us there.

On Wednesday as I sat in and presented on the preliminary research my team and I had done on Big Data, I found myself soul searching how I got there. You see, I realized all the way back in high school (it feels that long ago) I had people truly seeing me and the talents I possessed. They chose to harness those features and guide, partially unknowingly, me to the place I am today. Without those individuals, I truly wonder if I would have chosen this major and felt the ability to take on this research project.

I was reminded of the things that shape you. In the thick of it, I didn't see the impact. But as I looked back through those early years, I saw some of the building blocks that established a portion of my foundation. With wider eyes, it's an adventure to look back.

So this post will serve as a small thank you note to those people who saw me in those early years and sparked the chain reaction that has followed. 

DeAnna: Before I even entered high school, you had me scooped up and placed into a role I had no previous desire/knowledge of. You had heard of my outgoing personality and simply by word of mouth gave me a leadership position that would alter my high school experience, and in turn, my life. You gave me opportunities that stretched me in ways I didn't even know needed to be stretched. You saw my capabilities for leading and speaking and you sent me off places to practice and mold them. 

Because of you, I have hands on experience of being a leader. You gave me a space to mess up and try again, that included an ever changing "high school emotional" environment where working together was possible (and expected). I learned the pluses and deltas of the reactions of someone in a leadership role. Now, as a "real" adult I can be confident in areas many of my peers unfortunately are not. The experiences you aided have given me the ability to stand in front of a group of peers and feel invested and capable of most any task. 

For that, I thank you. You truly took the time to see my abilities and engage them. How special it is to have an experience like that. 

Dr. Baker: You showed me what exactly it means to be a good leader, one that leads by working along side their employees. You studied my personality and my blossoming leadership style. I knew I was a take charge kind of girl, but you showed me how to make that beneficial for all who are involved. You didn't belittle my thoughts and input because of my age, but rather encouraged it. 

Because of you, I make a conscious effort to be present for every presentation I am witness to. I am aware that body language is key to responsiveness and because of this I am a better presenter and audience member.  

Thank you for taking the time to respond and engage, you helped teach me to not be afraid to interact with my superiors and instead seek opportunities to listen and learn from them. For all of this, I thank you.

Navid: You were my support system and biggest cheerleader most times as I ran myself ragged through that school. You simply cared. I was blessed with a wonderful caring family, but you were a most happy addition to my team of supporters.

And like any good supporter, you stretched me. At the age of seventeen, you had me standing in front of a crowd of more than a thousand conducting a graduation. I never reviewed the tape because I know I'd cringe, but the confidence I gained speaking in front of those people has come into play time and time again. 

For the day in and day out and the extra time you put in, I thank you. You saw me and helped me find who exactly I wanted to be.

Thoughts from a fourth year // 9.5.14
The beginning of my fourth Fall quarter is upon me, which means this is probably the last back to school post before my final graduation post is written (Um. yeah. That was weird to write.) So, I though it would be fun to write an honest to goodness post of what I wish I could have told my baby freshman self.

- You are gonna want to blend in and fade to back. When you walk into big lecture halls, you're going to pretend no one can see you. Because if they can't see you, you can't see them, right? 

Nope, girl. That ain't gonna work. Getting lost in a crowd, for one, isn't truly in your nature and two, denying reality isn't good for anyone's psyche. You're there. In a sea of faces who are all in the same boat as you. Find some souls you can connect to, learn to once again attach yourself with an activity and it's people. One day you're going to thank your mom for repeatedly saying "find someone to carpool with" and "get involved."

- Professors are weird. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you'll be able to laugh at their idiocies and roll with the punches. Also, you will never understand why snow pants in Southern California are regular attire for some. 

- You'll hate your Psych 105 and Geology 101 classes. You'll butt heads with the professors (see point two) and you'll be thankful to have a sweet red head in both. But here's the good thing, you'll learn more in these classes than in all other classes you will take. Not on the subject matter necessarily, but you'll learn some REAL good stuff. 

- Change your major. It won't be admitting failure, but instead making the best adult decision in your life thus far. I promise, the weight will be lifted as soon as you drop the form off. Communications is where you need to be.

- You'll spend more time in a basement newspaper office than you ever thought possible, you'll miss a lot of sun sets and you'll emerge just a few hours before it rises again. But, its okay. 

-Make sure to bring your glasses and your contact case for your long night in said basement. Also, it might help to have makeup remover wipes in the car. Don't be like me and forget those things.

- Don't try to put your contacts in on Friday mornings, you're tired eyes will be very vocal about the pain you put them through with all nighters. Go with the glasses.

- Half way through when you feel like quitting school, know its always darkest before the dawn and thank your mom because she speaks truth. You CAN do it. 

- Getting preferred commuter parking will be of utmost appreciation. Because, in college, parking is no joke.

- Stop and do silly things to break up the monotony, like pulling over and taking pictures of road side sunflowers. They're beautiful and it will do your soul good to recognize their beauty. 

- You're gonna go on a few dates that will seem promising. One will be an author and there will be GREAT backstory to the date taking place, but he'll disappear randomly and you never buy or read his book because of it. The other will be associated with your dad's profession and he'll seem nice, but he'll disappear too after a few less than truthful statements. 

I'm gonna tell it to you straight, girl, your ego will take a bit of bruising from these encounters. The whole disappearing-without-explanation thing will bug you, but you'll get over it. Also, the stories they provided will in turn provide you and your friends some good laughs. In the end, its worth it. 

- Use your free gym membership. Don't do what I did and go three years without ever stepping foot in there. I'm serious. 

- Do some ditching. It won't kill you. Read what you can, and study the notes for the rest. And always remember, when all else fails, c's get degrees.

-You won't always get Tuesday/Thursday classes. Accept it, live it, and look for the good in Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes. Hint: shorter class times is part of that good. 

But here is what I really want you to know and focus on, you are meant for such a time as this.

For this school. For this region. For these people. For this economy.

For these days.

My thoughts on your thoughts // 10.2.14

I am an advocate for social media and the benefits it can bring. The ability to communicate your life's story is an interesting and fascinating ability that can be used for so many great things. Our history will be forever marked and written without ever needing a historian or fame to induce such recognition.

But, let me tell you, lately its been on my heart how crucial it is to use these tools with strong judgement and self control. Big data aside and the information being collected, the words we write and the pictures we post will mar our names and our children will have our reputations in hand for the rest of time. 

Now, I'm not here on a soapbox declaring that we leave a legacy or a withstanding representation of our lives, but I am asking that we question the validity of our "need" to post. 

Our thoughts are our thoughts, that not everyone needs to know twenty-four hours a day. They are ours to harness. Those who are known for greatness with their words learned to hold their tongue much of the time. We all have learning to do and self control to capture, but we have to make the conscious effort to do so. 

The unbirthday campaign: recap // 10.28.14

It's funny that I entitled this post "the unbirthday campaign: recap," because if you don't follow me on Instagram you've probably never heard of it. Although, I did allude to it in my annual birthday post.

Back story: For months I'd been trying to figure out what I wanted to do for my twenty first birthday. Its typically a birthday fraught with an all about me, I've earned this sort of attitude. Which I personally don't think that's what birthdays are about even in the slightest sense, so I wanted to do something different than what was expected of me. 

In one of many discussions about my birthday with my mom, she sparked an idea about doing twenty-one things for others, for my birthday. After a lot of thought, brainstorming, and planning-- the unbirthday campaign was born.

I was going to spend my actual birthday running around doing crazy fun/gift giving things with my good friend Kelly all over town. I had a list that was complied of twenty one random things that normally wouldn't be done on a typical day, rather than someone's birthday!

the unbirthday campaign list-
Krystal Elementary- cupcakes to share
Neighbor’s house- cookie drop
Mailbox- Mailmen should get cookies
Instagram- birthday giveaway
Mail Box- encouragement card
Redbox- surprise code
Target- dollar bills hide and seek
Target- random gift card(s) drop
Starbucks- free coffee surprise
Church office- coffee all around
NAPA- random gift card drop
Krystal Elementary- labor day lunch and flowers for mom
Aunt Carol’s house- flowers + sweets
Lunch- gift card for the waiter
Parking Kiosk- free parking surprise
Soda Machine- have a coke on me
Communications office- cookie drop
Afternoon pick me up- surprise snacks for sister
Newsroom- let them eat cookies
*some activities count as multiple

I'm not gonna lie to ya, this was quite the feat to prepare.  I was my typical crazy busy self who tried to get all of the prep work done the night before which included trying to bake cookies with no flour, (see: I took a trip to the store at 9:30 pm to round up missing baking supplies.) It was hectic and messy-- and to be honest, all a bit overwhelming. I thought seriously about jumping ship around 11:30 the night before.

But after some sleep and a refreshed commitment to "just have fun" and an understanding that it all wouldn't be "perfect" or how I planned, I was stoked to knock this list out. And can I just say, it was THE most fun i've had in a really long time? Because it totally was.

I would seriously encourage you, if you're looking for a birthday activity or wanting to do something out of your comfort zone, to do something like this. There is no greater excitement or happiness than bringing joy to others. And that isn't meant to sound corny, I believe it to be the honest to goodness truth.

People will ask you with puzzled looks what it is exactly that you're doing and many of them are gonna get all bug eyed when you tell them. But it's worth every strange look and caught off guard smile.

The 411 on 41 // 11.19.14
So do y'all remember awhile back, when I talked about doing something crazy for No.41?

Well to recap:

No.41, based in Rwanda, saw a need and sought a way to change it. Women needed jobs and children's bellies needed food. So two crazy dreamers on a hope and a lot of prayer, created a system that gave women the ability to earn a sustainable income by making hand crafted bags as well as a way to give back to the community by feeding local school children with the proceeds. Every year in April, No.41 does a special campaign, I wanted to get involved and fill some bellies; and came up with a scheme to fill those bellies on my poor college student budget. Enter-- she felt lovely. Read; head bands I made/sold to anyone and everyone who would buy them and then sent those funds off to No.41. We (and I say we because it took a village to get there) raised enough to feed 1,000 meals. It was uh-mazing. 

Fast forward 6 months:

After the she felt lovely 4/1 day extravaganza, Tara, founder of No.41, contacted me and asked me if I would be interested in joining No.41 and becoming a campus rep. My initial reaction was "Um. No way. Me? Someone needs to pinch me."

I have to tell you, this organization has been an inspiration to my soul and the opportunity to be an advocate for it is just awesome to say the least. So, of course, I emailed back YES and I have been on a crazy planning/scheming/listing action to get some intense word of mouth out there about No.41 since then.

Most of these posts were meant to be expanded on, but were left untouched and unfinished because of busyness and writer's confusion. If you made it to this paragraph- you, my friend, are a straight up champ. Those were a lot of thoughts to get through. 

I am thankful for this corner of the internet to jot thoughts down and depict the peaks and valleys my writing takes. Its been a good 4 1/2 years and I pray for more.