turn: 2015

I love the first week of the year. The holidays are officially done, the decor is packed away, the red cups are gone, there's a calmness mixed with heightened anticipation and the calendar demands progress and change. It such introspective cherished time for me.

The week before the new year I spent some time looking through instagram and the photos I posted over the past year. Since i'm a huge gram-er (is that a thing?) it was easy to see 2014 in the form of a picture time line. I swear, January of 2014 seems so long ago, anyone else feel me?

This past year has been chalk full of goodness. There was lots of travel to and fro for weddings and family vacations. A lot of hours spent in traffic because of crazy roadway catastrophes (who could forget about the great carrot spill and bridge burning?) The time spent as an editor of the school newspaper deep in the belly of University Hall or the ridiculously long, exhausting hours of my time spent as a research assistant over the summer (rewarding and eye opening, but golly, was that some serious work.) 

There was the high school and college graduations that I proudly cheered on and the prom extravaganza that I had the opportunity to capture. There was a night I was surprised with a smashed birthday cake and birthday candles that did not reflect my age along with the serenade of the  "happy Saturday" song sung to the tune of happy birthday during finals week- just because. The absolute joy of the Ice Cream truck adventure with my sweet HJ in the heat of the summer- money could never buy the happiness those redish-purpleish-blueish tinged memories from that day gave me. 

There was also that crazy couple of weeks where I began She Felt Lovely, partnered with No.41 and with the help of family, friends, and some of those around the country we fed 1,000 meals to students in Rwanda (um. still can't believe that happened.) And then No.41 floored me and asked me to be one of their Campus Reps. Straight up crazy-goodness.

This past year also marked my twenty-first year on this earth and I took the opportunity to spend my day running around like a mad woman doing crazy, fun, encouraging things for others- seriously, some of the most fun I've ever had. I enjoyed a night under the stars with sweet, sweet friends celebrating life with bubbly and kerosene lamps to round out the birthday celebrations. It was such a good, inspiring, life giving, love filled time.

There was those times when I went on a few dates; one with an author, and another with one whom had some serious life plans- each gave me some seriously good stories to tell and a few perspectives to learn from (word to the wise- if he can't keep his name straight, he's probably a murderer.) I haven't told either story on here, but it would be worth getting them down in writing. Anyone for that? Just let me know...

Kelly and I spent a night of this past year acting our age and enjoyed a concert that practically made us deaf- we were begging for Ibuprofen and hearing aids by the end. All in all though, the happy birthday serenade for Kelly and the compliment I got from the doorman made the hearing loss worth it.

And probably my most favorite moment of 2014 was that day in July when I found out my sweet, sweet friend was expecting and chose to honor me by calling me an aunt. What amazing joy it was see that baby grow, to watch my friend blossom and shine in the fullness of motherhood and the love it spurs on. I was in awe of that little one and the women who carried him. 

But along with the great goodness and joy this year brought, it has forever been scared with broken grief as well. For on a dreary day in November, my sweet nephew left this earthly dwelling place. It is a birthday I wished to have celebrated in April of 2015, and my soul will perhaps perpetually wait for that April, but it is with a broken heart I cherish that sweet boy and the little infinity I got to share with him. I am still in awe of the woman whom carried him all the days of his life, she is an amazing example of strength in weakness. 

As I bid 2014 ado and begin 2015, I can't help but look back upon all that happened. The joy and the sorrow. The good and the bad. I enter this new year ever so broken and so blessed. 

I don't want these events to be forgotten, I want them to shape me and guide me as I enter this new season. 

This past week the word "turn" has been pressing on my heart. I started thinking of what the word "turn" means. And because i'm a word girl, I went straight to the dictionary. 

Turn: change in nature, state, or color: become.

         synonyms: become, develop into. 

I love that reference- to change is to become. To turn away, to throw off what hinders- so you can develop into and become the better. I want my vision for this coming year to be about being intentional at all things and all times, which includes pruning the parts and turning from those that create road blocks and barriers. In all of it; the physical, the emotional, the spiritual.

I'm getting back into the word, digging real deep into it. I'm going to actually use the free gym membership I've had for four years along with looking for ways to do good to for my body. And I'm going to scale and cut back the use of the excuse of "busyness" and focus on the life giving, inspiring things and do them with intentional participation.

I want to be so intentional and consciously turning from the hindrances that I have a heart that is so full of love and grace it is considered to be wild. I want to ring freedom bells and do things that are simple but significant. I want to be gentle and gracious and ultimately do holy, radical things.

I pray the Lord goes before and clears a path for me. I pray I have a heart that seeks to not strive for my own good, but the good of the kingdom. I pray I have eyes to see and a heart to turn, to bestow grace, and to love.

At the end of this year, I want to be wrung out. All the good used up, with nothing held back so to be filled up once again for 2016.

So i'm running into this year with my fists in the air, raising my banner, and daring to TURN and become more.