{Monday(s)}

 

 

If you have been following me on Instagram, you may have noticed my 'Made it through Monday' posts. Mondays are difficult for me, 1. because, well, it's Monday 2. a lot of times I wake up with a weary heart 3. I am at school from 8 am to 6pm and 4. I tend to have a selfish inwardly focused mindset. So, I wanted to take this post and explain why I have these 'Made it through' photos.

 

Early on this quarter the Lord laid on my heart how unhappy my heart really was on Mondays and how I needed to change my focus. As a physical reminder, I started wearing my Visiting Orphans tee every Monday{my Monday class, the one that only meets on Mondays, probably thinks I only own one tee. It's okay. I'm cool with it}. Instead of an inward woe as me attitude, I wanted to spend my hardest day realizing others {especially sweet littles} had it worse than I. Anytime I started to think poor Clarissa, I tried to physically turn my thoughts to prayer, not for myself, but for the ones who really need it. Y'all it hasn't been easy, it still isn't, you don't realize how selfish you really are until you are having to stop yourself from thinking woe is me every. 5. minutes. Sheesh.

 

Along with with wearing the shirt, I try to look for the littlest blessings the Lord shares with me throughout the day and try to make mental notes of them. Sometimes its spring and the beautiful heavenly creations that come with it, happy mail from Sevenly delivering my shirt that supported DS orphans, getting out of class 33 minutes early and seeing the sun shining through the trees, the cloudy and rainy weather bringing out the deep hues of green on campus, or its a song the spirit put into my head to help get me through 2 exams. I take a picture of something on campus as I am leaving that reminds me of how good the Lord is to me, even when my heart isn't always comforted there, and I share it with writing about something that blessed me.

 

Each Monday had blessed me immensely, but I want to share this Monday with you especially. I woke up wearier than usual. I wanted to dig into the new She Reads Truth study, but there was a mix up and it didn't start for another day. So in a desperate attempt to turn my mood around I went to Pandora and blasted Hymns as I was getting ready for the day. They helped, but I was still focused on the 2 exams that were ahead of me. I put on my VO tee and headed towards campus. And in another desperate attempt I grabbed the book Tortured for Christ, about Martyrs, out of my back pack before my first class started. It was good, I was feeling better, but it wasn't hitting me where I needed.

 

Nothing hit me until I saw this video called I Like Adoption {you can watch it here. And I suggest you do} with a Russian boy who has no arms and was adopted by an American family. He doesn't see his handicap as a handicap. Actually, it's kind of like a talent of his. He can play How He Loves Us So with his toes and sing. Can you say wow?...Now you are definitely gonna watch it, huh?

 

That was it, my Monday was centered. It isn't to say I wasn't still stressed about my 2 exams, but it wasn't so woe as me anymore.

 

After my first exam, that was the easiest of the two, I began to go over my notes for the second. As I was studying the Lord placed on my heart a line from a song I had learned at Retreat a few weekends back. 

 

"I will cast my cares on you, the Almighty"

 

I could not get the line out of my head. It was so comforting to be reminded that even though people have larger issues than my own the Lord still wanted me to cast my own cares big or small on to Him. And boy, did I ever!

 

When I finally got the exam, the line was still playing in my head and you know what? The exam was SO much easier than I had expected! Can you say major blessing?

 

When I was headed to bed last night, I had to find the song and play it all the way through. Finally after searching for what seemed like forever, I found it. After playing it, I thanked the Lord and hit the hay. Just a few minutes after that my phone went off, it was a sweet friend sharing her heart with me. It was divine appointment, the song was just what she needed to hear, so I immediately sent it her way.

 

It is amazing to think that the Lord shared with me that song to not only help me, but also to help another. He used my weariness + mess + need for a song to give encouragement that I had no idea was needed. He is a pretty awesome God.

 



I made it through another Monday, with a heart full of thankfulness for His blessings. I am so grateful I heard His prompting on that first Monday, so I could live them for His glory, biblical compassion, and grace instead of my own inwardly focused self. Just like we should live everyday.

 

I will leave you with Cast my Cares by Tim Timmons. Happy Tuesday Friends!

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=FDJc1zej6jc

 

p.s. I tried to get the video just to appear, but YouTube was being dumb. So please kindly click on the link.

 

{Spring Quarter: List Style}

 

 

Its my Spring quarter, or in other words, my 10 week count down to summer.

Working on 9 weeks to go.

Lets make a list of the eventful quarter, so far.

1. I thought school started on Monday last week. In short, it didn't. In not so short, read about it {here}.

2. I snapped a picture of a humming bird. She came to visit me while I was eating my lunch on a beautiful spring day. Of course, I just had to instagram it.

3. Reading, reading, reading, reading, and more reading is what this quarter seems to be shaping up to be about.

4. Small group communication is really just a fancy way of saying "we are going to give you ten weeks FULL of group projects."

5. Have you read the earthquake "Shake Out" guide? Read it and share in my nervousness. Seriously, there is a whole class dedicated to learning about earthquakes.And I'm in it. Kell-bell, #youarekeepingthatnickname I no longer deny your fear.  #somebodyhelpme

6. Hola, me llamo Clarissa. This is pretty much still the only solid sentence I can put together in Spanish. Annnnd I'm in my third and final quarter for the class. Yikes. {I am being slightly sarcastic here. Emphasis on the slightly.}

7. I have my favorite Spanish professor again this quarter. She says I look like Princess Kate. I'll take it.

8. Mondays are long days for me. 8am to 6pm, baby. The biggest bummer to this, you ask? I don't even have a cool theme song like 9 to 5 to go with this schedule. I wonder if Ms. Parton would mind changing the lyrics a smidge?

9. Nine more weeks. It's an important fact. That is why I mentioned it, again.

10. I only have 8 more classes that involve discussing earthquakes. And that is fantastic.

All joking aside, the Lord has already blessed me abundantly this quarter and I am thankful for His provisions, safety,comfort,

And His humor.

I mean, really. Earthquakes and 10 weeks of learning about them? It's like sarcasm for the earth. Its only funny when it's not directed at you.

Okay...maybe not ALL joking aside.

{my morning + a little Rwanda love}

 

 

The clock says it is 6:48 as I sit down to type this and already so much has happened on this Monday morning.

I started my day at 5am with a sigh as I heard my alarm begin. {Insert: ERRRR ERRRR ERRRR here if you would like.} I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes and was not excited to get the day going.

I grabbed my laptop and devotional bag and promptly slipped right back into bed. The devotional through #shereadstruth {just started today, come join us!} is about prayer in the bible. Today was on prayers of praise and I wasn't all too pleased with my lack of praise for this morning. I was surprised at how hard it was for me to pray with praise, just simple praise, when I know there are a gillion things I could praise Him for. I left my devotional time a little perturbed, making a mental note to write down all the praises for today, and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the first day of Spring quarter {Now you understand my non-excitement, don't you?}

I felt sluggish. Praying to the Lord while doing my makeup is a pretty common morning thing for me, and today I was asking for a happy heart. {It is the one solid part of my day I am surrounded by quiet, I AM quiet, and I have already allotted the time to be} I was going to have all new classes, all new professors, an all new schedule, and I wasn't really looking forward to it. I told the Lord of my heart and kept on going. I wasn't going to dwell on it.

So when it came time to start getting my backpack ready and to munch on some breakfast-ish substance, I felt an urge to make sure I had all the right room numbers for my classes. So I logged on to the school website for a quick peak. Before I could get to my class schedule, though, something out of the corner of my caught my attention. "April 1st: Cesar Chavez Day (observed) campus closed" {Insert momentary mass chaos in my brain here} Today is April 1st I said out loud {too loud, for a house in which 50% of it's occupants were still sleeping} I then checked my weekly schedule and in fact, there were no classes on my schedule for today.  

I was fully prepared to start the new quarter today, but I now have two more days {my schedule is Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays} without any homework! Can you say, major praise?? It is a blessing I had no clue was coming and I am desperately thankful I listened to the prompting of the Lord to go online and check about my classes. {if you were wondering, yes, two of my classes' classrooms had changed}

Along with my individual praise this morning, today, a sweet organization called No.41 and people across the country are praying, fasting and donating to feed local school children in Rwanda.

 

No.41 has rocked my heart like no other. To see what a young woman's heart and dream can do when she seeks the Lord, has been a testament to me. It is a blessing that has opened my eyes and heart. Today, I pray for one little one. I ask that their belly would be content and that they would see the love, glory, and grace of the Lord in that meal that fills their belly.

Check them out here: www.no41.org

My heart is in Rwanda today, while I praise and worship here.

{Middle of the Week, Praise + Silliness}

 {Before you even begin, can I just say I hate the way the word 'silliness' is spelled. It looks, well, silly.}

Well this morning, I drank my first cup of coffee while stocking skimming other's instagrams. {I am completely normal, and am in no way a creeper. Okay, maybe slightly.}

And for my second cup, I find myself wasting time in the blogasphere.

Although, is it really wasting time if I am being encouraged by sweet Jesus loving women and their words?

Forget what the jury may say. I don't need permission to approach the bench. And I certainly don't need another reason to debate.

The answer is no, it is not a time waster. There, I said it. You're welcome.

Enjoying the humor? Or should I just get to my point already?

I should probably {Prob-bab-ly} just get to the point. I have to start my day. Sheesh, people.

Remember when I talked about spring break + more grace (here)? Well I have some super exciting, juicy, major praise worthy news for you! I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Too much, for this early?...forgive me, I have had two cups of coffee already remember?}

I found out on Monday morning. I stared at the screen for a solid 2 minutes before screaming Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! {The screaming was mostly internal, but it still counts} Wanna know the score? An 84, I will take that B and shout about it from the roof tops. No joke. I took a screen shot and everything. I sent it to my mom, of course.

It is truly a blessing from the Lord. Every time He shows off and blesses me big, I still feel like pinching myself. To have a heavenly Father, that loves me so much that He chooses to bless me big with things I just can't ignore, is pretty stinkin' awesome. I know for a fact I could not have done this with out His working hand.

Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! 

 

If you have really good eyes or are reading this on a handy-dandy smart phone, you can zoom in and see that not only did I pass my final but I ended the class with a high B. #what

How awesome is our God? Can I get an Amen?

{please say it, I mean, don't leave me virtually hanging}

Happy Wednesday y'all! I am off to start my day.

Thanks to all you brave souls who made it to the end of all this coffee infused praise and silliness.

It is much appreciated.

P.s. The coffee was decaffeinated.

{Spring Break+More Grace+Nico}

SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!

{Okay, that's enough shouting from the virtual roof tops}

If you couldn't tell, winter quarter has ended and it is time for a short break before spring quarter starts.

I first wrote about the beginning of winter quarter here. I chatted about my need to see the importance of grace and not perfection. I needed this to understand true importance of my schooling.

I started the quarter raring to go, waiting to see what the Lord had in store.

Well, He definitely took the importance of grace to a level I wasn't prepared for.

You see, I was fine with accepting grace as long as everything was hunky dory and the way I wanted it. {#what} And of course, this wasn't the way the Lord knew I would learn.

I received an A in my beginning Spanish class this past fall, so naturally I wasn't too worried about my second class out of three that would fulfill my general education requirement. Although, I found out soon into the quarter this class would be my most difficult. My professor, although hilarious and personable, was hard to learn from. Major bummer. So I plugged along, hoping and praying it would get better. Although when my midterm grade came back, I knew I was in for it. Let me just say, I am almost always an A and B student. My midterm grade for Spanish was a 62. {Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.} This hurt {still does slightly}, like a lot. Yet after a little wasteful worrying, I was reminded of my promise of holding myself to a standard of grace. Jesus' grace. Not perfection. Sure I could of studied maybe just a bit more {like on any test}, but I was definitely trying to do my best and I answered each question with my greatest knowledge on the subject. So I was resolved to do all the extra credit I could and bust my butt on any other assignments that were assigned through the rest of the quarter. When it came time to study for my final this week, I definitely put in more time than I did for my midterm and I prayed. Boy, did I pray. I wanted to focus, understand, and complete the material the I had been struggling with for the last 10 weeks. Obviously I can't master it and I sure don't know it that well, but with Jesus anything is possible.

Today was the test and through an almost breakdown mid-way through, prayerful thoughts, and extreme racking of my brain, I survived.

And as I was walking to my car absolutely scared of what the outcome might be, the Lord washed my heart with truth.

In eternity this class will never matter. The fact that you may or may not receive a very low grade on this test and in this class, matters not. I only ask for you to love me and show my love to others around you. I don't care about if you get an A or a degree.

Talk about a calming effect and putting things into perspective!

I mulled this over on the way home and readily let it go.

I have no clue how I did on that final. But I know for a fact, the Lord does and He already knows the outcome of my finishing grade.

I am not perfect, I can not ace every thing. Sometimes{a lot of times}I muddle through things and have to force myself to rest in the grace I have been shown by the only perfect one. I don't do this well. He has to remind me everyday.

So tonight I wait, resting in the grace of not being perfect.

Knowing the Lord has a plan with whatever grade I get.

Excited to enjoy my short break.

And learning that, Grace is greater than Perfection{always}.

p.s. If you didn't know, today is World Down Syndrome day.

Check out this little cutie pie who has just about run off with my heart!

Nico is his name{aka the cutest red head ever.} He is an orphan in Russia, who has a forever family waiting for him and the adoption ban to end.

There are big prayers and dreams being prayed for him, but I have been focusing on simple ones. Such as, asking for a little extra attention to be given to show him how special and lovable he is.

Heavenly father, this morning {Russian Time} I ask that sweet little Ni would be given some extra loves. I don't know how you are going to do it Lord, but until his forever mommy can do it, I ask that someone sees that precious smile and lets him wiggle in and create a little soft spot in their heart.



{being real + grace}

 A few days ago, my sweet friend{you know who you are} gave me one of the largest compliments I have had up to date.

The conversation went along the lines of this:

Friend: "You are one of my favorite people"

Me: "Oh. Well thank you! I can not imagine why though!"

Friend: "Well, because you are real."

You are real.

Can I just say this compliment hit me like a ton of bricks? To be real is one of my biggest wants because, frankly, there was a time in my life where I wasn't. I was extremely selfish and prideful. My "real" was making my life cookie cutter and "perfect" with my ideal Jesus, who fit in the places I wanted Him to. He was an addition, not the whole package. It did not involve humility and sincere apologies, rather turmoil and hurtful actions to those I cared about. I don't particularly care for that gal any longer.

Circa April.2012: a girl wrapped up in her own ideas and emotions.

 

I find this compliment to be completely orchestrated by the Lord, because on this same day of the compliment, I was going to be real with someone who I had selfishly hurt in my "all about me" days.

It was a prompting by the Lord, to stay real and remember to be humble.

y'all, Being real, is messy.

And I am not a huge fan of messy...besides the top drawers in both my desk and dresser. Those are junk drawers, they don't count right?

Back to the point.

I was going to have to be messy and show my heart. And if that meant crying, I best put on some glasses so my contacts didn't irritate my eyes. And if I felt uncomfortable, I was to keep on keeping on. Whatever I was going to say, the Lord had already orchestrated. If I didn't feel I was saying my thoughts as eloquent as I had rehearsed in my head, it was okay. Jesus knew my heart.

And while Being real and messy+uncomfortable+awkward, I was met with grace.

Nothing I said happened the way I planned it out... The way I had planned it out in my head, didn't even remotely occur. Yet, its okay. I had an opportunity to share my heart with a person who could of easily {and understandably} blew me off + make it clear that I didn't deserve the time of day from them.

That didn't happen and I was blessed with gracious listening ears.

This person took time out of their day to listen to me talk about something that was uncomfortable from the past that could of just as easily been brushed under the carpet.

This person chose to show + give me grace, like Jesus does. Each and every day.

If being real means anything, it is this, grace is a daily necessity. I know I need some {a lot} from the moment my feet hit the floor each morning. And I am tremendously grateful I was shown this kind of grace, earlier this week.

This blog is meant for Blunders and a lot times I wrap things up in nice little bows to make them come off better or wait to write until I can control the emotional aspect. But lets be real, for real.

We only see God's grace when we are real.

Circa March.2013: No make up+glasses+No insta anything. Just a girl trying to live for the Lord.

So lets run with it, shall we?

 

{"the breakup leftovers"}

Lets talk about "the breakup leftovers":

Definition: anything you have from a previous relationship {i.e. notes, pictures, jewelry, gifts}

First off, let me say that I never planed on discussing my breakup leftovers, but through my own experience with them I have come to the conclusion that we as people don't discuss it. These remnants of relationship's past are like dirty secrets we tuck away to avoid admitting to ourselves or the people around us that we still have them.

Well I am here to talk about them. Lets bust those little secrets wide open, shall we?

Confession; the day my  year and a half relationship ended I packed up EVERYTHING that reminded me of him. Literally everything. I stored it in the shed and pretended it didn't exist for 6 months. And if I found any stragglers, they were thrown in a drawer that was never opened.

On those weak days, I was thankful I made everything "disappear" while I was still numb, this way I couldn't pull everything out and have a good cry. I was forced to push through it. And on those angry days, I was glad everything was put away so I couldn't do anything rash out of emotion {these rash actions could include fire, just saying}. And on those good days, nothing was around that could physically remind me of the heart ache.

I always knew the leftovers were there, but I could easily ignore them. It was a good system.

On what would have been my 2 year anniversary I had an overwhelming urge to pull everything down from the shed and go through it. I know the date is odd, but it had been 6 months and I felt I was finally strong enough to go through the leftovers and remnants. I wanted to sort through it all and decide what to keep, if anything was worth keeping.

Here is where things get sticky, there is no "how to" manual on this sort of thing. There isn't a nice little checklist that has a bunch of nice little boxes in columns of keep, donate, or throw away.

Somethings are easy to get rid of. Take for example my giant teddy bear, he had been stuffed into what looked like a body bag for 6 months, it was so pitiful I felt terrible. I was thankful when my mom brought up the idea to take him to her elementary library, I am happy he has a new home with so many happy little faces to love on him. But other things are more difficult to decide what to do with, promise rings and old letters fall into this category. At the time they were given and written, there was true meaning behind them. So whats a girl to do with them?

And this is my conclusion: If you like it, keep it.

Simple. And not confusing.

Which is what any girl needs, am right?

Keeping something a once significant other gave to you, doesn't mean you are still in love with them. It only means you liked the gift. Period.

I don't understand, why we make things like this into such big issues. We stress ourselves out over deciding what to keep and figuring out how to explain those items down the line.

One day, I think it may be fun to tell my future daughter about the guy who made me a jewelry box with his own hands and the sweet letters he wrote me. I want her to know I cared for him and he meant something to me. I want her to see, its okay to love someone and its also okay if that someone doesn't become your one and only.

So what if its my past? These memories are part of what made me, me.

They are just physical memories that I am lucky to have.  

So here is my haphazard, somewhat of a checklist:

1. allow time to heal. {hide these things away. lock them in a safe or in trust your bestfriend with them, until you are ready.} There is no "right" time to deal with these memories, it is all up to you.

1 1/2. Pray before you begin. Ask for peace and contentment. Jesus will hold your hand. Promise.

2. Make sure to have an awesome rom-com playing in the back round {preferably one that makes you laugh} and a hot cup of tea to sip as you go. Laughter and tea are always good.

3.If you still think the gift is cool, don't over think it. Keep it. And if down the road you change your mind, then you changed your mind. No big deal.

4. Display them or keep them in a box. Whatever feels right. Don't let the fear of someone asking where it came from keep you from enjoying it, its a simple answer. "So and so gave it to me."

5. Enjoy the walk through memory lane. You once enjoyed making these memories tremendously, so why not have a little fun remembering back?

"I know that sometimes I drive her up the wall, and I can be a complete royal pain in the ass, but she still loves me, and I sure as hell still love her, even if she does make me crazy sometimes (ALOT). Even with our arguments and disagreements, I've never once doubted my love for her."-Our Story, as told by Parker Smith.

I still love this story and this line. It makes me laugh and remember what was. It was true and real. And that's all that matters.

So here's looking at you, kid. Thanks for the memories.

...

 I thankful that I allowed myself this time of healing and remembering. I can genuinely say I will relish this learning experience.

If you have a way you dealt with the breakup leftovers, please share!