beauties blogging books: projects + vision

I can finally sit down and write for the second week of beauties blogging books. I have enjoyed a Chai Tea Latte, White Christmas is playing in the background, and the house is quiet.

During this week's reading Emma meets Harriet Smith, a lovely young woman born into a less established family. Emma almost instantly decides to make this girl a friend and soon turns the opportunity to refine Harriet's manners and poise into a project. This project also turns into an attempted match up between Harriet and a gentleman named Mr. Elton, in which Emma orchestrates.

Emma's character is the type to become consumed and a bit obsessed with her "projects" or match making schemes. So much so, she often seems to lose sight of the big picture. As her plan continues to play out, i'm sure her narrowed vision will cause some issues.

I must confess, seeing Emma's narrow vision has helped me feel better about my inconsistency with this project. This break seems to be flying by and the time I have spent on this book blogging has been far less than I originally planned. I have felt slightly burdened by my lack of focus on it, but seeing a character with such centered focus I am reminded that this is something I took on to do as a break. It isn't to cause stress or frustration. So in actuality, my lack of narrow vision is better. I can choose to sit and watch Netflix instead of read and be okay with it.

Who knew Emma would teach me that?

Along with the lesson I thoroughly enjoy the way Miss Austen wrote Emma's thoughts, they are sarcastic and witty. And I can't help but chuckle when I read some of them.

For instance:

While chatting with Mr. Elton about drawing a rendering of Miss Smith, Mr. Elton compliments Emma on her own drawings.

Emma's first thought was: "You know nothing about drawing. Don't pretend to be in raptures about mine. Keep your raptures for Harriet's face."

She is a polite woman, so she only thinks these things, but I for one appreciate her honesty.

Y'all make sure to go check out Kelly at the D+D for her take on week 2 and I'll see ya next week!

beauties blogging books: book character soul sister

So I started reading Emma by Jane Austen last week when Kelly and I began our beauties blogging books project. It was finals week, and surprisingly, I didn't have much going on.

Fast forward five days: I feel like this winter break has already started to fly by and I'm not real certain where my reading time has gone. Let's just say I didn't get as much reading done as I had hoped for this post, but bear with me. I'm sure there is a nugget of goodness buried within here some where.

Since the book is not mine and I have been referred to as an excessive underline-er/commentator, I decided I would save us all the trouble and just use a notebook. By the end of reading page four I had already used up a whole page of notepaper. Oh, boy. If that's not a sign on how the reading process is going to be, I don't know what is.

Anywho. By page four and my full page of notes, I realized, through my brief encounter with Emma, we were in fact pretty similar.

You see, Emma isn't a fan of change.

When I learned this, my ever loving consistency thriving heart shouted "Oh, man. Girl. I hear you. Preach sister."

For a quick run down: Emma's best friend/governess Miss Taylor recently got married and has moved away. Leaving Emma to deal with losing her live in confidante and the changes that comes along with that.

Although Miss Taylor didn't move far away, there wasn't any texting or email or instagram to keep each other updated during this time. Going from seeing each other 24/7 to once or twice a week with very little communication in between, I can see this gal's heartache for change.

Through it all though, Emma is focused on not succumbing to the sadness and frustration change can bring. She continuously puts on a brave face as she begins to chart these new waters.

I for one have never dealt with an issue like this, but I'm glad to know I have a soul book character sister.  I appreciate her reaction and attitude, because sometimes I need a reminder on the right ways to handle change.

Also, the author describes Emma as seeming "to unite some of the best blessings of existence." Which I think is pretty awesome, I mean, who doesn't want to be described as that? 

I am really excited to read more into her and the general story of it all. 

This post seems pretty surface, but I promise better is coming. Fingers crossed.

If you want a more educated and witty response to our first week of reading, please go visit Kelly at the D+D. That girl has it going on this week. Promise. Here is the link to her first post: here.

P.s. It's her birthday today, so please send some bday wishes her way when you stop in! 

See ya next week! 

beauties blogging books: the beginning

         

In honor of winter break and the borrowed book I have been waiting to read for what seems like forever, I am going to blog through my reading of Jane Austen's Emma. 

This book isn't a quick read, and for my own sanity and enjoyment I thought it would be fun to use the blog as an accountability partner. Also, my girl Kelly (lender of said book) over at Daisies and Daydreams decided to join in on the "fun" and blog through one of the books she borrowed from me (The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor). 

Who could resist this winter break/coffee shop/book swap/blogging extravaganza? 

Our alliteration loving selves just couldn't. 

Shall we introduce ourselves?

--Hi. I’m Kelly. I’m a ginger. #rockitlikearedhead. I’m really weird and geeky, and I love reading. Clarissa thinks I’m “witty”, but I suspect that’s just because she appreciates the ridiculously lame puns that I come up with on occasion. I love hot beverages of almost any sort—mostly because I despise being cold. Besides that, there’s not much to me. I’m pretty average. *Disclaimer: My blog is significantly less fancy. I’m not as tech-savvy as Clarissa is so bear with me. Thanks.

--Hello There! I'm Clarissa. Yes just like the 90's show with Melissa Joan Heart, although i'm not certain I explain it all, all the time.  Here is three things you should know about me: I enjoy the ironies in life. For instance I have an obsession with shoes, but I have a serious attachment to going bare foot. I dig all things vintage and often feel I was born in the wrong era. And finally, I am a perfectionist constantly battling to accept my imperfections. P.s. This became exceedingly cooler when Kelly agreed to join in on this adventure.

So, the tentative plan for now is to blog weekly about the books. This can include favorite quotes, character break down/analysis, and life relatables. 

I'll link to D+D's as well. And maybe there will be a swap day, who knows. There are so many possibilities! 

Grab a cup of coffee and please join us as we navigate through blogging a couple of novels. It's gonna rock. 

the battle and the war

One of the many beautiful sunrises I have experienced on the way to school.

Early in the quarter I wrote here about my battle with fear and its grip on me.

The quarter will end this coming Thursday and its time to come clean and unpack the battle.

Here's the deal, y'all. In the beginning I was consciously going into each day with a plan to fight fear, but somewhere along the way I lost the consciousness of it all and settled into a comfortable half way point.

You see, part way through the battle I began to lose a sense of fear and live day to day with a sense of understanding. I got used to these new circumstances and they didn't affect me in the same ways.

In my dance class, there was a routine established. I knew that there was going to be a bar exercise first and then floor work was only going to last about 45 minutes. It was doable and I was able to use the routine as a coping mechanism when the hard stuff came up.

In Geology, however crazy or annoying my professor was being, I knew that the ranting would end after an hour and 50 minutes. Sure his constant late arrivals and half explained assignments took their toll, but I was able to filter what I really needed to focus on. It took ten weeks and a lot of prayer to get to that complete mindset, but I got there.

And with Newspaper, I was able to establish friendships and begin to understand the ways of the newspaper biz. It was fun to complete an article and see my name in print. My professor turned out to be pretty awesome as well.

So I guess what I have come to the conclusion of is this: early on I made the decision to fight fear and focus on the Lord's already mapped out plan for my quarter. I decided to see it  for what it was, a good plan, and choose to make the best of it. Because I did this, I didn't have to consciously battle fear in every moment. And since I rested in that, I began to even enjoy parts of these "out of my comfort zone" places.

I know this quarter was only a battle and not the war. I cant forget this focus, but I know I grew from the experiences these classes provided and I can entertain the thought of Winter quarter with a lighter heart.

Praise the good Lord in Heaven, I made it through!

Do y'all have any stories on how you battled your Fear? If so, I would love to hear.

A reminder in Aisle 14

Have you ever been on a plane and known that it's was going to be "one of those" flights?

Ya know, the ones with "those" people. 

Well my "those" happened to be 3 women jetting off for a girls weekend (it's Monday...) As soon as they sat down I knew the trip would include lots of interesting conversation that I would be privileged to be within ear shot of. 

These women's lives looked glamorous from the outside. Their designer clothes, white teeth, the well manicured eyebrows and Louis Vuitton bags drew me in with an allure to a secret world I only experienced glimpses of. 

The southern drawl and the y'all's only added to the juiciness of it all. 

But as I listened to their ceaseless conversing I heard nothing but contempt for their "frustrating" husbands, restlessness about their houses, and entitlement in their continuous one upping with their summer plans (no, Bermuda is not in Mexico). 

I couldn't help but look on with a degree of disdain that only increased as they continued to talk about how good it was to get away from their kids/husband, go clubbing, and drink champagne as they munched on their "well tipped/coxed concierge delivered" cupcakes. 

Once I had finished my book and the flight continued on, I was left sitting there a bit nauseated and concerned. 

I  never want to be considered one of "these" women. 

First off, I would never fit in. With my clearance jeans and unwaxed eyebrows, I would stick out like a very sore thumb. 

Second, and most importantly, I would hate to be known as such a surface individual. Don't get me wrong I have my own hang ups and issues, but I don't want to leave this earth and meet Jesus and have Him look at me and ask "Wasn't there more laid out for you? Didn't you see it? I gave you every opportunity and yet you chose to contemplate your worth on the issue of a "house or a plane".

I want to be the girl known for resting in grace and grace alone. 

The things of this world will fade away and crumble to mere dust, and I want to remember that. 

I want to remember that if the opportunity of a custom "contemporary Mediterranean" home becomes a possibility. 

I want to remember that as I build up my husband instead of tearing him and his "nasty shoes" down as I gab with my girlfriends. 

I want to remember that as I discuss my shoes, clothing, and impending purchases of said items.

I want to remember what The Lord has done for me in everything I do. It is only then that I can see the grander plans He has for me. 

And most of the time those plans have nothing to do with a new Rolex or a private plane, but everything to do with a heart open to sharing the great love laid upon us.

I wish those women a safe and enjoyable trip, and thank the good Lord for His reminder as I sat in aisle 14.

 

In her shoes. at 20 years and 11 days.

              

I have been wanting/needing to write this post for some time now...like eleven days.

I wrote last year about my birthday and what I wanted from the year here, and I think its a good tradition to begin.

So here we are, whether its late or not.

Age twenty is interesting. I haven't completely gotten used to the whole idea, yet. Not because I am lamenting my teenage years, but because at twenty I am supposed to be really "living" life.

Big dreams, lots of friends, grand adventures, and throwing caution to the wind.

These are, of course, the world's view on my twenties.

Yet here I sit, on a Sunday night with a cup of Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea. I don't have real "big" dreams. I have friends, but I don't hang out with large groups usually. I don't go on grand adventures, I guess you could say I am a homebody. I certainly am not the type of person who throws caution to the wind.

And oddly enough, i'm okay with all of that.

I don't want my twentieth year to be all about me and the things I do, but what the Lord has done in me and through me.

This year

I want the Lord to teach me to be a woman of grace.

I want the Lord to use me to be a steward of His glory.

I want the Lord to embolden me for His kingdom.

I'm an imperfect perfectionist, who is waiting to be sent and to find love, with a heart that needs to learn how to better bestow grace.

That's me at twenty. And I want to be so much more at twenty one.  

The battle of the F words.

Fear, is mean.

Fear, can keep you up at night.

Fear, knows the hurts.

This Fear, he can control you.

And to be truthful, he knows this Perfectionist well. He knows where it hurts and why.

Did you guess that, or, did you just see a people person hell bent on pleasing?

Fall quarter started yesterday and over the past few days I have been struggling to not agree with what Fear has to say.

Because this is what he believes:

"Taking a dance class, which you have very little experience in, is just flat out crazy. You won't be perfect and will stick out like a sore thumb."

"The unknown of a science class that can be hard to understand and navigate, might just push you over the edge. And, what if the professor is a bit off the wall? Just think of the possibilities."

"Writing for the school news paper? Really? Don't you think you are over extending your abilities here? So what if it's a required class for your major? Doesn't mean you are going to be any good at it."

And my favorite.

"It's all just too scary. Walk away. Do the easy stuff. The stuff that you know and are comfortable with"

Do you hear my fears? Do you see a similarity in my insecurities even if they aren't exactly the same as yours?

And do you want to know the funniest part of my fears?

They all came true.

I am in a ballet class, which I have very very very little experience in. Oh and get this, this class isn't just for intermediate dancers, but, trained very skilled dancers as well. My perfectionist readers out there just had a heart attack, I know this because this heart had one when that little piece of information was made known yesterday.

My Geology class isn't the most structured or the most clear and my professor really should be teaching mad science instead of an Earth science. #thisshouldbefun

And I'm taking a class that will require me to write a story each week for the school paper while sitting in a room with huge computer screens, all the while praying I don't have a huge blinking arrow above my head that says "HEY EVERYBODY! This girl has no clue what she is doing!"

Now sure I could wallow in my fears, drop every class, avoid anything that I don't already have a grasp on, and sit at home watching Netflix.

But, would that truly be considered living?

And if I believe in a God who knows my days down to the very second, which I do, would I be following the commandments laid before me? Would I be truly sharing and showing the love of Christ? Would I be expressing the Gospel by staying barricaded in my room? Because I am sure Siri wouldn't be the one listening.

No.

Because Fear is just the absence of Faith.

If I cannot trust the God who closed the mouths of lions for Daniel, opened the sea for Moses, and placed Esther to rise in His name, on the simplest thing as a quarter at a university, then who am I to think He is going to answer my plea to set foot over seas to profess His name?

Fact is, He won't send me to a land where I can't trust the simplest things if I can't learn to trust Him with the smallest things.

I don't want to beckon Fear, I want to defeat him.

I don't want to rest in my insecurities, I want to find solace in my Savior.

I don't want to create barriers, I want the "Spirit to lead me where my trust is without boarders."

For the next 10 weeks will you throw your fear(s) off, whatever they may be, with me?

Will you rise each day with me to fight this battle against Fear?

Will you choose Faith over Fear?

Because Fear is a close friend to the Enemy. And if we fall prey to fear, we let the Enemy win.

So instead of faces masked with the fear of uncertainty, let us shine forth what we know.

This is our now, but He is watching from the finish line. He knows all. Our God is a big God and we can handle any uncertainty that life may throw us with Him.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving the broken and messed up people that we are. We are weak by ourselves, especially when we let Fear grip our hearts. But with you, we can do anything. I ask that you would wrap your arms around us and give us the strength to stand and the courage to fight, for your Kingdom.

Summer Part 3: the end.

 

 

Oh boy, here it is. The end of summer has come.

I start school in 6 days.

But, these last days will be spent prepping and adjusting for fall.

So how about that last list.

 

The desert landscape isn't always my favorite but, oh, the wide open space to view some awesome clouds, will never get old. I snapped the shot above on the highway headed home.

 

I scored Essie nail polish for $3.99. Y'all i'm serious. Crazy good deal.

 

And while we are on the subject of nail polish, since fall is around the corner I finally have the excuse to wear dark colors again. My favorite. Forget that cutesy hot pink or poppin' green, give me some deep reds and dark greys and i'm a happy girl.

 

I preordered a No. 41 tee that feeds 100 hundred sweet babes in Rwanda. Which is awesome. Y'all seriously need to go check them out. See the tee here. Also read their sweet story, will ya?

 

This summer I discovered Spits black pepper sunflower seeds. Delicious.

 

I haven't picked up a single book since my last post, but I'm okay with that. This fall I have a class that will require me to read 3 novels in 10 weeks, so needless to say, it might be good to have a break.

 

Ending the summer with a head cold isn't fun.

 

For the last couple of weeks I have been helping my mom out in her elementary school library. It has been fun but it also has included the onset of said head cold. Small kids + germs = my sniffly nose. 

 

I need to get a new backpack, since I have been using the same one for like ever and it's gonna give up on life any day now. Seriously.

 

My mom and I are spending my last weekend of summer together at Women of Faith. Can I get an WHOOO HOOO for girls weekend?

 

......

 

Alright, I'm done with my summer lists.

I hope you all had as blessed of a summer as I did.

Please join me in prayerfully entering fall.

Peace out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a lot like cake.

 

You see, I needed to bake a cake last night for tonight. It was last minute, it was late, and my mind wasn't all there. I am a scratch kind of girl, but because of the time constraint, boxed it had to be. So I put on some worship music, poured my self a glass of cranberry juice and placed a handful of almonds onto a pretty plate for snacking and began the process. I almost immediately became distracted with trying to do too many things at once and it all went down hill from there.

 

After I piled the ingredients in the bowl and began to mix, I noticed that the batter was unusually thick and by the time I poured it into the pan I had a creeping feeling that something was wrong. It wasn't spreading right, the consistency was off, and I was worried.

 

And then it dawned on me. I used a WHOLE stick of butter when the recipe only called for a 1/3 cup. Needless to say, my blood pressure was rising. Although, I forged on.

 

After being in the oven for only 15 minutes, the cake was done. Even though, the box clearly states it should at least be in the oven for 30 minutes. Uh oh. My mom and her ever encouraging self said to let it cool, go to bed, and check on it in the morning. She was sure it would be fine.

 

If you like VERY dense cake like brownies, then yes, it was right up your alley. But, my perfectionist self was not happy with it.

 

After some brain storming, my mom asked "did the recipe call for water?" I replied (while curling my hair down the hall) "No, I don't think so." And just like that, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, it was like a perfect image of the directions appeared in my brain. OF COURSE, it called for water. And my mom found the box that proved it.

 

So, we had our answer. The great mystery of cake like brownies was solved. And it was all my fault.

 

I was determined to start over and do it right. (there is that perfectionism again.) I crumbled up the original cake to make cake balls at a later date. And this afternoon my mom and I rushed to the store to pick up yet another box of cake mix, so I could prove to myself I could do it, perfectly.

 

The cake this time was a different story. I checked and rechecked my ingredients and stayed as focused as possible. I was not going to fail.

 

And now after it has been frosted, cut up, served, and complimented: I see it.

 

I am just like that first cake.

 

I am constantly trying to do life with my own recipe. And when I forget the Living water, I am messy and not easily moldable. I have too much filler like the greasy butter that tastes great and looks good from the outside, but in actuality is doing more damage than good. And then in the end, I am resistant to the way the baker wants me to be.

 

Yuck. Who wants that cake?

 

And then comes that baker with the grace + mercy. He sometimes will break you down, fill you with some frosting that works like glue to put you back together and use you for another purpose. And then other times He will go to the store and remake you from the ground up as a reminder of his vast plans for you. All the while knowing in His image he made the first cake, prepared and ready to build it up to it's full potential.

 

This. This is what makes the baker renowned. He doesn't give up and throw that cake away. He spends time making it into the creation He has called it to be. Molding and working on it with the sweetest care.

 

Like cake in the arms of mercy.

 

I am so thankful He has opened my eyes to see this lesson that could have been easily glossed over. I must admit, I wasn't planning on sharing this little mishap of mine. It was going to be me and the cake's secret, but I am learning to show the imperfection filled sides of myself.

 

And what better way then to talk about cake?

Summer: Part 2



 

It's time to take on the second part of listing out my summer. And, boy, is this going to be a big one. 

 

I've been avoiding it for this reason alone. It's quite a task. 

 

So lets get started, shall we?

 

First off, do you remember when I said my favorite picture from this year was the one I showed you in this post? Well, the one above. I believe just shot it's way to first. Thanks iPhone. I'm getting it developed and framed asap.

 

I spent about all of July out of state in a land where they say y'all and sweet tea is readily available wherever you go. I got to spend time with sweet relatives that deserve the titles of Aunt and Uncle and their cool kids (who are my cousins. of course). By family ties they are older cousins, but in my heart they are much more.

 

I did more "boy" activities in 4 weeks with my cousins then I have done in my whole life. Lets just say, I received a crash course in all things superheroes, Xbox, and Nerf guns.

 

Blue Bell Buttered Pecan ice cream. That's all i'm going to say, you have to figure out the rest on your own.

 

I learned sharing a bathroom with boys can be an adventure. Read: It is not unusual to find wire strippers and airsoft guns in precarious places. Like, right next to a curling iron.

 

I made numerous trips to a sporting goods store called Academy. For reasons i'm still not completely sure on.

 

Quoting Pitch Perfect happens, at least, once a day. And i'm being generous with the "at least."

 

She Reads Truth has been so life giving and sweet this summer. Learning about the Women in the Bible has been empowering and downright inspiring. We just finished part three out of four, but don't let that stop you from joining us, sister. Monday we begin the last parts of the study, and I hope to see you there.

 

After my trip in July, I had the chance to soak up a week with another awesome Aunt and Uncle that included my sweet HJ. He is pictured above. I absolutely hate the fact that they live so far away, but I will take the time we get together gladly.

 

Harley Jacob. You, Mister, mean bunches and bunches and bunches to me. You are growing up way too darn fast and if I could put life in slow motion just to savor your chubby little feet as they tackle milestones, I would.

 

I paid for Fall quarter's tuition. That was fun. (please know, there is nothing but sarcasm in that statement)

 

Also, I am avoiding ordering books for fall.

 

White Gardenia has got to be one of my favorite scents. Ever, It's right up there with Magnolia, for me. The underlying message here is, I should have been born in the south.

 

So I started Wuthering Heights awhile a really long time ago and i'm not even close to finishing it. I did, however, start and finish a book titled Seventeenth Summer in about 24 hours. I'm moving on to Emma, soon. It's just really really big.

 

I made a cute little bunting banner today, thanks to the Lowe's paint department.

 

As I reach the end of this list, I think it's silly to think someone would want to read about my summer. The whole time I have been writing, the thoughts "these words aren't meaningful" and "what does it matter?" have bounced around in my brain. And I have come to the conclusion, part of being real includes sharing life and sometimes that life doesn't include words that are considered to be profound or deeply thought provoking. It's what happens in the moments that matter. 

 

All in all, my summer continues to be full of blessings. I still have a about a month to experience and document, so stay tuned.

 

Because, it's still summer.

listing out the summer

 

 

Summer lovin', had me a blast, Summer lovin', happened so fast, Met a girl crazy for me, Met a boy cute as can be.....

 

Whoa...sorry about that, I used the title Summer Loving and boom flashback.

 

Two summers ago....or is it 3 now?... I was Patty Simcox from Ridel High. It was real, it was fun, and the show and the tunes will never leave me. I'm serious. Yikes.

 

Want to see proof?

 

 

Well now that I have gotten completely off topic, shall I get to the point? Fabulous.

 

In no particular order {other than numerical}, I give you my Summer thus far.

 

1. I got to flex my Alice Cullen skills and throw a less than 24 hours notice impromptu surprise party with some of my friends.

2. New Girl came to Netflix...needless to say, it has been a marathon.

3. I have a list of books I want to read this summer and for some reason I keep adding to it. Today, I added yet another one, Sheesh. I have knocked out the Cape Refuge series by Terri Blackstock, I am trudging through Wuthering Heights as of this moment as I stare at the enormous Emma by Jane Austen, and all the while partially longing to crack open my two other light hearted stories.

3. Valley Girl, ya know the movie? If you don't, lets just say, they don't make rom-coms like they did in the 80's folks. I'm watching that sucker allllllllllll the time.

4. I'm reading these blogs consistently: seeing joy + naptime diaries . I love these women's hearts. They are real life, sold out to Christ, grace full women. Y'all they are truly such blessings to my heart.  

5. I start with #shereadstruth an 8 week study on Monday about Women of the Bible. I am stoked to say the least. Join us!

6. Messy hair bun days are happening a lot more then I originally planned. This could be due to the miserably hot weather we have been experiencing....or at least I will blame it on that.

7. Oceans by Hillsong United. Have you heard it? It is seriously my go to song. My honest to goodness heart prayer in a song. Listen here.

8. A lot of Kohl's. We will just leave it at that.

9. I went to the Driving Range for the first time, ever. I wasn't sure how much I would enjoy it because 1) I am very competitive with my self. 2) it was real hot and 3) it was, well, golf. I am happy to say, I really did enjoy it, I was proud that I allowed myself to relax and genuinely try something new. I will most definitely be going back.

10.  VBS, oh man, those kids never cease to bless me during that week. And when they pray, sheesh, roll me the tissues. Such vulnerable awesome hearts talking to Jesus, it's awesome.

 

okay, I think that is the highlights from this part of summer. Stay tuned, I'm not real sure how many parts this may turn into.

 

Hope y'all are having a blessed summer!

{the tunnel}

Before we even begin I must inform you, I am attempting to write this post with wet/partially dry nails...okay here it goes.

I have officially completed 2 years of college, which means I am a Junior at a four year university. Can I get a thank you Jesus? and an Amen? For real, these two year have been long, rough at times, and an honest to goodness continued prayer of "ugh Lord, I don't loveeeeee this." If you have been around the blog awhile, you know this. Well.

It has been sort of like a tunnel. Ya know, those really long ones where you hold your breath and don't let go until you have reached the end? {Please tell me you have done that...} I started college knowing it was going to be a long journey with a few points of frustration + desperation, but two years in, I have had ALOT more frustrations and points of desperation then I ever expected and times where I was holding my breath {figuratively + physically} waiting for God to answer or things to happen. Needless to say, there have been moments when I thought this tunnel was never going to end.

Well I am pleased to say, I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, come this time in 2 years I will be a college graduate with a BA in Communications, and that my friends is pretty cool. For this goal setting gal right here, it means I am half way done. I have already completed two years, so I know I can do two more. Say what?

I know I haven't reached the end yet so I fully intend to encounter more frustration, but I also see where I have come from. The Lord has used these two years to break me and shape me, and to physically see that is pretty awesome. I haven't always enjoyed the learning curve, but I am sure finding joy in the results. My prayer come this Fall, is that the Lord will continue to mold me into who He wants me to be and that He will open doors for possibilities I couldn't even have dreamed of. There is a sweet sweet light at the end of my tunnel, and I am running for it. Whether it be in College or my life, I want to search for that light and come out the other side restored of breath knowing I was wrung out of every drop of glory for my Savior's Kingdom.

Thank you friends + family for your continued support and love. I could not accomplish this immense task without y'all. We still have 2 years, so let's hit the ground running shall we?

p.s. I wrote this post without a single smudge. Success.

{wrecked by grace}

In honor of the #shereadstruth first anniversary, I wanted to link up and share what has blessed me through this community. First I must tell you, I tried to make a vlog with no such luck. And to be honest I made multiple videos and struggled. I did not want my effort to be in vain because I glorified myself. So you get my words, typed with fingers who can be real honest when they aren't trying to impress.

So if I'm being real honest, I'd tell you grace is the lesson I was wrecked with. I joined the community early last July. I was seeking a way to play the part of the perfect Christian young adult who had spent her whole life within the church. I wasn't really in the word and neither was my life reflecting the heart of a Christ centered individual. On the surface I didn't see that this was the true reason I joined the community, but deep deep deep down that excuse was there.

In late July, everything came to ahead. My relationship with my high school sweetheart was on it's downward slide and I was struggling with having to go back to school in the Fall. Yet I was still going through the motions, letting everything just sort of soak in. When the relationship ended and school was almost unbearable, the Lord started his process of wrecking me with His grace, all through the SRT community. Through the honesty of the writers and the building of routine I was seeing God's word finally come to be real in my life. It was like the Lord was whispering sweet echos of grace and I was finally starting to listen. He didn't care if I was perfect, He was perfect. He didn't care if I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life, He already knew what I was going to be at my finish line, a daughter of the King. And He didn't care if I could hold it together every minute of the day, He wanted me to be raw and open. Day after day and month after month, He was still there and so was His grace.

Ever so slowly, my outlook started changing. I changed my major last fall and now feel the Lord's calming in my schooling. There are days where I'm still not a huge fan, but I am constantly reminded every morning that He has a plan and I am just supposed to be honoring Him with that plan{even if He didn't clear it with me first}. And with this sweet release of concern and frustration, He has been able to break and wreck my heart to see a place where it yearns to serve. You see, I have learned I have a passion for precious ones who the world considers the least of these. I want to run and scoop up as many littles who aren't loved and cherished as I can. Desperately. Just to hug them and whisper into their little ears that they are loved by a heavenly Father would be enough, but I have a feeling deep in my soul that tells me He wants more from me. Like a lot more. Now if you had told me this a year ago, I may have smiled, nodded, and chuckled about it later. That's girl's heart was hard. She didn't want to do anything that wasn't the cookie cutter American life style. But boy, the Lord has truly shaken me to my core. I no longer truly want that life, I want one that desperately and unconditionally follows, just to show His grace to others.

Everything was upside down and backwards last year. I wasn't on the path that the Lord longed for me to follow, but through His grace He wrecked me for all the right reasons. As I look back, I am oh so grateful for this year of learning and growing in Him. So thank you She Reads Truth for being that steward of His grace and loving on me as He began this process of shaping and changing me, y'all have blessed me in so many ways. You ladies rock!

{Monday(s)}

 

 

If you have been following me on Instagram, you may have noticed my 'Made it through Monday' posts. Mondays are difficult for me, 1. because, well, it's Monday 2. a lot of times I wake up with a weary heart 3. I am at school from 8 am to 6pm and 4. I tend to have a selfish inwardly focused mindset. So, I wanted to take this post and explain why I have these 'Made it through' photos.

 

Early on this quarter the Lord laid on my heart how unhappy my heart really was on Mondays and how I needed to change my focus. As a physical reminder, I started wearing my Visiting Orphans tee every Monday{my Monday class, the one that only meets on Mondays, probably thinks I only own one tee. It's okay. I'm cool with it}. Instead of an inward woe as me attitude, I wanted to spend my hardest day realizing others {especially sweet littles} had it worse than I. Anytime I started to think poor Clarissa, I tried to physically turn my thoughts to prayer, not for myself, but for the ones who really need it. Y'all it hasn't been easy, it still isn't, you don't realize how selfish you really are until you are having to stop yourself from thinking woe is me every. 5. minutes. Sheesh.

 

Along with with wearing the shirt, I try to look for the littlest blessings the Lord shares with me throughout the day and try to make mental notes of them. Sometimes its spring and the beautiful heavenly creations that come with it, happy mail from Sevenly delivering my shirt that supported DS orphans, getting out of class 33 minutes early and seeing the sun shining through the trees, the cloudy and rainy weather bringing out the deep hues of green on campus, or its a song the spirit put into my head to help get me through 2 exams. I take a picture of something on campus as I am leaving that reminds me of how good the Lord is to me, even when my heart isn't always comforted there, and I share it with writing about something that blessed me.

 

Each Monday had blessed me immensely, but I want to share this Monday with you especially. I woke up wearier than usual. I wanted to dig into the new She Reads Truth study, but there was a mix up and it didn't start for another day. So in a desperate attempt to turn my mood around I went to Pandora and blasted Hymns as I was getting ready for the day. They helped, but I was still focused on the 2 exams that were ahead of me. I put on my VO tee and headed towards campus. And in another desperate attempt I grabbed the book Tortured for Christ, about Martyrs, out of my back pack before my first class started. It was good, I was feeling better, but it wasn't hitting me where I needed.

 

Nothing hit me until I saw this video called I Like Adoption {you can watch it here. And I suggest you do} with a Russian boy who has no arms and was adopted by an American family. He doesn't see his handicap as a handicap. Actually, it's kind of like a talent of his. He can play How He Loves Us So with his toes and sing. Can you say wow?...Now you are definitely gonna watch it, huh?

 

That was it, my Monday was centered. It isn't to say I wasn't still stressed about my 2 exams, but it wasn't so woe as me anymore.

 

After my first exam, that was the easiest of the two, I began to go over my notes for the second. As I was studying the Lord placed on my heart a line from a song I had learned at Retreat a few weekends back. 

 

"I will cast my cares on you, the Almighty"

 

I could not get the line out of my head. It was so comforting to be reminded that even though people have larger issues than my own the Lord still wanted me to cast my own cares big or small on to Him. And boy, did I ever!

 

When I finally got the exam, the line was still playing in my head and you know what? The exam was SO much easier than I had expected! Can you say major blessing?

 

When I was headed to bed last night, I had to find the song and play it all the way through. Finally after searching for what seemed like forever, I found it. After playing it, I thanked the Lord and hit the hay. Just a few minutes after that my phone went off, it was a sweet friend sharing her heart with me. It was divine appointment, the song was just what she needed to hear, so I immediately sent it her way.

 

It is amazing to think that the Lord shared with me that song to not only help me, but also to help another. He used my weariness + mess + need for a song to give encouragement that I had no idea was needed. He is a pretty awesome God.

 



I made it through another Monday, with a heart full of thankfulness for His blessings. I am so grateful I heard His prompting on that first Monday, so I could live them for His glory, biblical compassion, and grace instead of my own inwardly focused self. Just like we should live everyday.

 

I will leave you with Cast my Cares by Tim Timmons. Happy Tuesday Friends!

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=FDJc1zej6jc

 

p.s. I tried to get the video just to appear, but YouTube was being dumb. So please kindly click on the link.

 

{Spring Quarter: List Style}

 

 

Its my Spring quarter, or in other words, my 10 week count down to summer.

Working on 9 weeks to go.

Lets make a list of the eventful quarter, so far.

1. I thought school started on Monday last week. In short, it didn't. In not so short, read about it {here}.

2. I snapped a picture of a humming bird. She came to visit me while I was eating my lunch on a beautiful spring day. Of course, I just had to instagram it.

3. Reading, reading, reading, reading, and more reading is what this quarter seems to be shaping up to be about.

4. Small group communication is really just a fancy way of saying "we are going to give you ten weeks FULL of group projects."

5. Have you read the earthquake "Shake Out" guide? Read it and share in my nervousness. Seriously, there is a whole class dedicated to learning about earthquakes.And I'm in it. Kell-bell, #youarekeepingthatnickname I no longer deny your fear.  #somebodyhelpme

6. Hola, me llamo Clarissa. This is pretty much still the only solid sentence I can put together in Spanish. Annnnd I'm in my third and final quarter for the class. Yikes. {I am being slightly sarcastic here. Emphasis on the slightly.}

7. I have my favorite Spanish professor again this quarter. She says I look like Princess Kate. I'll take it.

8. Mondays are long days for me. 8am to 6pm, baby. The biggest bummer to this, you ask? I don't even have a cool theme song like 9 to 5 to go with this schedule. I wonder if Ms. Parton would mind changing the lyrics a smidge?

9. Nine more weeks. It's an important fact. That is why I mentioned it, again.

10. I only have 8 more classes that involve discussing earthquakes. And that is fantastic.

All joking aside, the Lord has already blessed me abundantly this quarter and I am thankful for His provisions, safety,comfort,

And His humor.

I mean, really. Earthquakes and 10 weeks of learning about them? It's like sarcasm for the earth. Its only funny when it's not directed at you.

Okay...maybe not ALL joking aside.

{my morning + a little Rwanda love}

 

 

The clock says it is 6:48 as I sit down to type this and already so much has happened on this Monday morning.

I started my day at 5am with a sigh as I heard my alarm begin. {Insert: ERRRR ERRRR ERRRR here if you would like.} I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes and was not excited to get the day going.

I grabbed my laptop and devotional bag and promptly slipped right back into bed. The devotional through #shereadstruth {just started today, come join us!} is about prayer in the bible. Today was on prayers of praise and I wasn't all too pleased with my lack of praise for this morning. I was surprised at how hard it was for me to pray with praise, just simple praise, when I know there are a gillion things I could praise Him for. I left my devotional time a little perturbed, making a mental note to write down all the praises for today, and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the first day of Spring quarter {Now you understand my non-excitement, don't you?}

I felt sluggish. Praying to the Lord while doing my makeup is a pretty common morning thing for me, and today I was asking for a happy heart. {It is the one solid part of my day I am surrounded by quiet, I AM quiet, and I have already allotted the time to be} I was going to have all new classes, all new professors, an all new schedule, and I wasn't really looking forward to it. I told the Lord of my heart and kept on going. I wasn't going to dwell on it.

So when it came time to start getting my backpack ready and to munch on some breakfast-ish substance, I felt an urge to make sure I had all the right room numbers for my classes. So I logged on to the school website for a quick peak. Before I could get to my class schedule, though, something out of the corner of my caught my attention. "April 1st: Cesar Chavez Day (observed) campus closed" {Insert momentary mass chaos in my brain here} Today is April 1st I said out loud {too loud, for a house in which 50% of it's occupants were still sleeping} I then checked my weekly schedule and in fact, there were no classes on my schedule for today.  

I was fully prepared to start the new quarter today, but I now have two more days {my schedule is Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays} without any homework! Can you say, major praise?? It is a blessing I had no clue was coming and I am desperately thankful I listened to the prompting of the Lord to go online and check about my classes. {if you were wondering, yes, two of my classes' classrooms had changed}

Along with my individual praise this morning, today, a sweet organization called No.41 and people across the country are praying, fasting and donating to feed local school children in Rwanda.

 

No.41 has rocked my heart like no other. To see what a young woman's heart and dream can do when she seeks the Lord, has been a testament to me. It is a blessing that has opened my eyes and heart. Today, I pray for one little one. I ask that their belly would be content and that they would see the love, glory, and grace of the Lord in that meal that fills their belly.

Check them out here: www.no41.org

My heart is in Rwanda today, while I praise and worship here.

{Middle of the Week, Praise + Silliness}

 {Before you even begin, can I just say I hate the way the word 'silliness' is spelled. It looks, well, silly.}

Well this morning, I drank my first cup of coffee while stocking skimming other's instagrams. {I am completely normal, and am in no way a creeper. Okay, maybe slightly.}

And for my second cup, I find myself wasting time in the blogasphere.

Although, is it really wasting time if I am being encouraged by sweet Jesus loving women and their words?

Forget what the jury may say. I don't need permission to approach the bench. And I certainly don't need another reason to debate.

The answer is no, it is not a time waster. There, I said it. You're welcome.

Enjoying the humor? Or should I just get to my point already?

I should probably {Prob-bab-ly} just get to the point. I have to start my day. Sheesh, people.

Remember when I talked about spring break + more grace (here)? Well I have some super exciting, juicy, major praise worthy news for you! I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Too much, for this early?...forgive me, I have had two cups of coffee already remember?}

I found out on Monday morning. I stared at the screen for a solid 2 minutes before screaming Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! {The screaming was mostly internal, but it still counts} Wanna know the score? An 84, I will take that B and shout about it from the roof tops. No joke. I took a screen shot and everything. I sent it to my mom, of course.

It is truly a blessing from the Lord. Every time He shows off and blesses me big, I still feel like pinching myself. To have a heavenly Father, that loves me so much that He chooses to bless me big with things I just can't ignore, is pretty stinkin' awesome. I know for a fact I could not have done this with out His working hand.

Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! 

 

If you have really good eyes or are reading this on a handy-dandy smart phone, you can zoom in and see that not only did I pass my final but I ended the class with a high B. #what

How awesome is our God? Can I get an Amen?

{please say it, I mean, don't leave me virtually hanging}

Happy Wednesday y'all! I am off to start my day.

Thanks to all you brave souls who made it to the end of all this coffee infused praise and silliness.

It is much appreciated.

P.s. The coffee was decaffeinated.

{Spring Break+More Grace+Nico}

SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!

{Okay, that's enough shouting from the virtual roof tops}

If you couldn't tell, winter quarter has ended and it is time for a short break before spring quarter starts.

I first wrote about the beginning of winter quarter here. I chatted about my need to see the importance of grace and not perfection. I needed this to understand true importance of my schooling.

I started the quarter raring to go, waiting to see what the Lord had in store.

Well, He definitely took the importance of grace to a level I wasn't prepared for.

You see, I was fine with accepting grace as long as everything was hunky dory and the way I wanted it. {#what} And of course, this wasn't the way the Lord knew I would learn.

I received an A in my beginning Spanish class this past fall, so naturally I wasn't too worried about my second class out of three that would fulfill my general education requirement. Although, I found out soon into the quarter this class would be my most difficult. My professor, although hilarious and personable, was hard to learn from. Major bummer. So I plugged along, hoping and praying it would get better. Although when my midterm grade came back, I knew I was in for it. Let me just say, I am almost always an A and B student. My midterm grade for Spanish was a 62. {Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.} This hurt {still does slightly}, like a lot. Yet after a little wasteful worrying, I was reminded of my promise of holding myself to a standard of grace. Jesus' grace. Not perfection. Sure I could of studied maybe just a bit more {like on any test}, but I was definitely trying to do my best and I answered each question with my greatest knowledge on the subject. So I was resolved to do all the extra credit I could and bust my butt on any other assignments that were assigned through the rest of the quarter. When it came time to study for my final this week, I definitely put in more time than I did for my midterm and I prayed. Boy, did I pray. I wanted to focus, understand, and complete the material the I had been struggling with for the last 10 weeks. Obviously I can't master it and I sure don't know it that well, but with Jesus anything is possible.

Today was the test and through an almost breakdown mid-way through, prayerful thoughts, and extreme racking of my brain, I survived.

And as I was walking to my car absolutely scared of what the outcome might be, the Lord washed my heart with truth.

In eternity this class will never matter. The fact that you may or may not receive a very low grade on this test and in this class, matters not. I only ask for you to love me and show my love to others around you. I don't care about if you get an A or a degree.

Talk about a calming effect and putting things into perspective!

I mulled this over on the way home and readily let it go.

I have no clue how I did on that final. But I know for a fact, the Lord does and He already knows the outcome of my finishing grade.

I am not perfect, I can not ace every thing. Sometimes{a lot of times}I muddle through things and have to force myself to rest in the grace I have been shown by the only perfect one. I don't do this well. He has to remind me everyday.

So tonight I wait, resting in the grace of not being perfect.

Knowing the Lord has a plan with whatever grade I get.

Excited to enjoy my short break.

And learning that, Grace is greater than Perfection{always}.

p.s. If you didn't know, today is World Down Syndrome day.

Check out this little cutie pie who has just about run off with my heart!

Nico is his name{aka the cutest red head ever.} He is an orphan in Russia, who has a forever family waiting for him and the adoption ban to end.

There are big prayers and dreams being prayed for him, but I have been focusing on simple ones. Such as, asking for a little extra attention to be given to show him how special and lovable he is.

Heavenly father, this morning {Russian Time} I ask that sweet little Ni would be given some extra loves. I don't know how you are going to do it Lord, but until his forever mommy can do it, I ask that someone sees that precious smile and lets him wiggle in and create a little soft spot in their heart.



{being real + grace}

 A few days ago, my sweet friend{you know who you are} gave me one of the largest compliments I have had up to date.

The conversation went along the lines of this:

Friend: "You are one of my favorite people"

Me: "Oh. Well thank you! I can not imagine why though!"

Friend: "Well, because you are real."

You are real.

Can I just say this compliment hit me like a ton of bricks? To be real is one of my biggest wants because, frankly, there was a time in my life where I wasn't. I was extremely selfish and prideful. My "real" was making my life cookie cutter and "perfect" with my ideal Jesus, who fit in the places I wanted Him to. He was an addition, not the whole package. It did not involve humility and sincere apologies, rather turmoil and hurtful actions to those I cared about. I don't particularly care for that gal any longer.

Circa April.2012: a girl wrapped up in her own ideas and emotions.

 

I find this compliment to be completely orchestrated by the Lord, because on this same day of the compliment, I was going to be real with someone who I had selfishly hurt in my "all about me" days.

It was a prompting by the Lord, to stay real and remember to be humble.

y'all, Being real, is messy.

And I am not a huge fan of messy...besides the top drawers in both my desk and dresser. Those are junk drawers, they don't count right?

Back to the point.

I was going to have to be messy and show my heart. And if that meant crying, I best put on some glasses so my contacts didn't irritate my eyes. And if I felt uncomfortable, I was to keep on keeping on. Whatever I was going to say, the Lord had already orchestrated. If I didn't feel I was saying my thoughts as eloquent as I had rehearsed in my head, it was okay. Jesus knew my heart.

And while Being real and messy+uncomfortable+awkward, I was met with grace.

Nothing I said happened the way I planned it out... The way I had planned it out in my head, didn't even remotely occur. Yet, its okay. I had an opportunity to share my heart with a person who could of easily {and understandably} blew me off + make it clear that I didn't deserve the time of day from them.

That didn't happen and I was blessed with gracious listening ears.

This person took time out of their day to listen to me talk about something that was uncomfortable from the past that could of just as easily been brushed under the carpet.

This person chose to show + give me grace, like Jesus does. Each and every day.

If being real means anything, it is this, grace is a daily necessity. I know I need some {a lot} from the moment my feet hit the floor each morning. And I am tremendously grateful I was shown this kind of grace, earlier this week.

This blog is meant for Blunders and a lot times I wrap things up in nice little bows to make them come off better or wait to write until I can control the emotional aspect. But lets be real, for real.

We only see God's grace when we are real.

Circa March.2013: No make up+glasses+No insta anything. Just a girl trying to live for the Lord.

So lets run with it, shall we?