turn: 2015

I love the first week of the year. The holidays are officially done, the decor is packed away, the red cups are gone, there's a calmness mixed with heightened anticipation and the calendar demands progress and change. It such introspective cherished time for me.

The week before the new year I spent some time looking through instagram and the photos I posted over the past year. Since i'm a huge gram-er (is that a thing?) it was easy to see 2014 in the form of a picture time line. I swear, January of 2014 seems so long ago, anyone else feel me?

This past year has been chalk full of goodness. There was lots of travel to and fro for weddings and family vacations. A lot of hours spent in traffic because of crazy roadway catastrophes (who could forget about the great carrot spill and bridge burning?) The time spent as an editor of the school newspaper deep in the belly of University Hall or the ridiculously long, exhausting hours of my time spent as a research assistant over the summer (rewarding and eye opening, but golly, was that some serious work.) 

There was the high school and college graduations that I proudly cheered on and the prom extravaganza that I had the opportunity to capture. There was a night I was surprised with a smashed birthday cake and birthday candles that did not reflect my age along with the serenade of the  "happy Saturday" song sung to the tune of happy birthday during finals week- just because. The absolute joy of the Ice Cream truck adventure with my sweet HJ in the heat of the summer- money could never buy the happiness those redish-purpleish-blueish tinged memories from that day gave me. 

There was also that crazy couple of weeks where I began She Felt Lovely, partnered with No.41 and with the help of family, friends, and some of those around the country we fed 1,000 meals to students in Rwanda (um. still can't believe that happened.) And then No.41 floored me and asked me to be one of their Campus Reps. Straight up crazy-goodness.

This past year also marked my twenty-first year on this earth and I took the opportunity to spend my day running around like a mad woman doing crazy, fun, encouraging things for others- seriously, some of the most fun I've ever had. I enjoyed a night under the stars with sweet, sweet friends celebrating life with bubbly and kerosene lamps to round out the birthday celebrations. It was such a good, inspiring, life giving, love filled time.

There was those times when I went on a few dates; one with an author, and another with one whom had some serious life plans- each gave me some seriously good stories to tell and a few perspectives to learn from (word to the wise- if he can't keep his name straight, he's probably a murderer.) I haven't told either story on here, but it would be worth getting them down in writing. Anyone for that? Just let me know...

Kelly and I spent a night of this past year acting our age and enjoyed a concert that practically made us deaf- we were begging for Ibuprofen and hearing aids by the end. All in all though, the happy birthday serenade for Kelly and the compliment I got from the doorman made the hearing loss worth it.

And probably my most favorite moment of 2014 was that day in July when I found out my sweet, sweet friend was expecting and chose to honor me by calling me an aunt. What amazing joy it was see that baby grow, to watch my friend blossom and shine in the fullness of motherhood and the love it spurs on. I was in awe of that little one and the women who carried him. 

But along with the great goodness and joy this year brought, it has forever been scared with broken grief as well. For on a dreary day in November, my sweet nephew left this earthly dwelling place. It is a birthday I wished to have celebrated in April of 2015, and my soul will perhaps perpetually wait for that April, but it is with a broken heart I cherish that sweet boy and the little infinity I got to share with him. I am still in awe of the woman whom carried him all the days of his life, she is an amazing example of strength in weakness. 

As I bid 2014 ado and begin 2015, I can't help but look back upon all that happened. The joy and the sorrow. The good and the bad. I enter this new year ever so broken and so blessed. 

I don't want these events to be forgotten, I want them to shape me and guide me as I enter this new season. 

This past week the word "turn" has been pressing on my heart. I started thinking of what the word "turn" means. And because i'm a word girl, I went straight to the dictionary. 

Turn: change in nature, state, or color: become.

         synonyms: become, develop into. 

I love that reference- to change is to become. To turn away, to throw off what hinders- so you can develop into and become the better. I want my vision for this coming year to be about being intentional at all things and all times, which includes pruning the parts and turning from those that create road blocks and barriers. In all of it; the physical, the emotional, the spiritual.

I'm getting back into the word, digging real deep into it. I'm going to actually use the free gym membership I've had for four years along with looking for ways to do good to for my body. And I'm going to scale and cut back the use of the excuse of "busyness" and focus on the life giving, inspiring things and do them with intentional participation.

I want to be so intentional and consciously turning from the hindrances that I have a heart that is so full of love and grace it is considered to be wild. I want to ring freedom bells and do things that are simple but significant. I want to be gentle and gracious and ultimately do holy, radical things.

I pray the Lord goes before and clears a path for me. I pray I have a heart that seeks to not strive for my own good, but the good of the kingdom. I pray I have eyes to see and a heart to turn, to bestow grace, and to love.

At the end of this year, I want to be wrung out. All the good used up, with nothing held back so to be filled up once again for 2016.

So i'm running into this year with my fists in the air, raising my banner, and daring to TURN and become more.

thoughts on being twenty-one

My birthday was on the 9th, yet here I am blogging about it a week later, mostly because my life is hectic and I just ended up with a random amount of time with no homework, a venti Americano and nothing that really needs to have my attention at the moment. It all feels a bit strange, (but, yay for blogging!) 

Life is a crazy pile of mess, its intense, insanely exceptional, and has the habit of aging you. I love that it has that ability, but every year around this time while the minutes tick away on the eve before my birthday I get a little nervous like I forgotten something. Like a to do list was left unchecked or I wasn't present for something big. And in those moments, right before starting a new chapter, I get this intense urge to rush-to tidy-to mend-to prep, to do all the things I "forgot" to do within that year.

Of course because it is impossible to do all the things in minutes, I usually end up entering a new year feeling restless and behind. 

This year wasn't much different, I sort of hurried into the new year rushing around prepping for a huge birthday project and it wasn't until around midnight, when I got my first "happy birthday" text, that I realized everything had already begun. I sort of felt like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, "I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" 

Yet I felt like I was being prepared for this feeling of lateness and rush over the last few months. The idea of being meant for a time such as this has been hitting me hard over the last 6-8 weeks. 

Even though life is a whirlwind and I never quite feel ready or on top of it, I am meant for a time such as this. 

For these days.

For this school.

For these moments.

For this region.

For these people.

For this economy.

It all plays a factor and a role, and I only have these moments, albeit fleeting, to live them. So yeah, maybe my space is a wreck, my nails aren't painted, I'm behind on work, and I'm basically running on starbucks and a prayer- but i'm here doing life.  Some days better than others, I must say, but living it nonetheless.

So this year, my one and only goal is to focus on the fact that I am here for the "such times" as this in life and to use every fiber in my being to do them well. Not on time or perfect, just knee deep in the mess with a graceful understanding of the beauty that is living. 

I'm excited for the road ahead in this new year and the adventures that will ensue as I journey down it. 

See ya back here next year, Lord willing!

coming home | whats behind door no.1

For those of you who follow me on instagram, you know that I have been on vacation for almost a month or so. Well, I made it back a few days ago. It was a good, long break that I needed. I visited family, passed through a few states I had never been to previously, and did a few touristy things. I'll be posting about all the happs in the future, but for now we talk about coming home. 

For one, I have been reading way too much Jane Austen to have written this as a caption on instagram:

Coming home is a decidedly lovely event. A tried and true tradition that seems to beckon a new beginning of sorts. Everything habitual has an air of newness; even the routines seem adventurous and desired.

But two,wordiness aside, its true.

Although its good to be gone and do new things, its good to be back and be in routine. Also, lets be honest, getting a good night's sleep in your own bed after a period of being gone is wonderful.

I'm a girl who likes her routine. Even in the summer, I like my mornings to be productive and regimented. How my morning looks, usually gives a clue to how the rest of my day will go. So, these last couple days have been a reset back into my typical morning. And I've loved it. 

Yes, I'm a weirdo, I know. 

Anywho, in this process of a reset I was inspired to do something creative with a project that I would typically be too methodical to do. I don't typically follow my whims, I usually think things through. Pros and cons list and all. But I am trying to be more of a whim follower to the things that in the long run will stretch me and my abilities.

So, I whipped out a role of painters tape and went to work (after I had put a load of laundry in. how responsible of me.) while sipping a cup of tea. 

I had no real plan, just a thought in my head. So, doing very opposite of what "Clarissa" would usually do, I just went for it without a sketch or a picture to follow. In the end, I had a bunch of lines begging for their shapes to be painted, so I obliged. 

Thanks to a bunch of coupons for free paint samples that I had redeemed and then was too cautious to use, I had quite the array of colors to choose from. Sticking with the just-role-with-it theme I was shooting for, I just picked a few that stood out to me and grabbed the paint brush. 

There were moments in this process that I thought seriously of regretting my decision to start, but I painted on. I thought, "If I hate it, I will just paint over it. Its just paint, right?" I had plans in the middle of this to leave some shapes white, just do two colors, do some shapes gray and white, pink? is that to cliche?...you name it, I thought it. 

But I reminded myself to capture the whim and plunge head first. Being the pattern-loving person that I am, I am personally pretty proud of that pink triangle to the right (geez, the letter P got a lot of recognition in this sentence). Its just there, being the adorable pop of color that it is. 

When the tape came off all I found myself saying was "I freakin' love it. Ah! I loooove it." Its cool, no? 

I have further plans to mount a large mirror in the middle of the door so to make the space useful in my 10x10 space as well as to provide a cute backdrop for the mirror. 

All in all, I am pretty proud of my breaking routine-and-being-home-less-than-24-hours-whim project. It feels good and refreshing to change things up. 

Speaking of changing things up, y'all should go check out Kelly and her updated digs. 

Okay you go do that, while I go and try to hang this mirror up evenly. I'm only a little nervous...or maybe a lot. Wish me luck!

the ice cream truck revisited

The introduction to the ice cream man tradition, in my family, started almost 20 years ago when I was just a babe.

The story goes: My grandmother used to refer to the ice cream truck as the "music truck" to my cousins and I. It was her thing, and she got quite the kick out of it. That is until June 6th 1995, when my uncle changed its meaning forever by happening to allude to the "music truck's" precious cargo. Ahem, i mean, the ice cream truck. 

Of course my grandmother wasn't too thrilled about her charade being blown, but lucky for me (I was the only kid present at the time) I got my first shot at the ice cream truck's goodness.

You should know that although my grandma was "upset" that her gig was up, she wasn't too heart broken not to document the event with her ever present camera. As you can see, I was pretty proud of my winnings. Buggs Bunny with gumball eyes. Oh yeah.

Thus the moment was cast in infamy and when my cousin Harley was born 19 years later, we all knew the time would come when it was my turn to continue the tradition just like his momma and daddy had done for me.  

It was an adventure. The ice cream man around here drives a bit fast and his music plays pretty low so it creates quite the conundrum to get his attention in time for him to stop. We had heard the truck earlier in the day, but by the time we had registered the classic ice cream truck tunes, it was already down the street. So we waited, hoping we would get another shot later in the afternoon. 

Again a few hours later my aunt heard the faint tunes, which sent me running out of the house, bare foot, and flailing my arms trying to catch his attention in the rear view mirror as he continued to drive down the street. Thankfully the neighbors across the street and down two houses came bursting out of their front door right about the time I did and were able to grab his attention. My goodness, who knew it would be so hard to get an ice cream truck to stop. 

Sticking with tradition we went with an ice cream complete with gumball eyes, this time the character being Spiderman. 

The Goob wasted no time digging into that sucker, obviously because we like food. A lot. 

The sun didn't waste any time beginning the process of melting that frozen sugary goodness, either.

We were sticky and stained with the red-blueish-purpley evidence. 

It was a glorious 5 minutes. I say 5, because 1) he isn't quite yet 2 and 2) he had things to do, bubbles to blow. and veggies to watch. duh. 

Ice cream takes its toll, as you can see on the face above. Its good, but man it takes some energy to consume so much sugar. 

I was blessed beyond measure to be apart of this moment and to share in the stories that were and are soon to come. He's a miracle baby with an awe inspiring story and I couldn't imagine a more perfect day to make these memories. If grandma was still around, she would have stood by her "music truck" story and taken pride in her grandchildren's joy in the simple things with a camera in hand. 

I believe life's grandness is found in the smallest moments, I am so thankful for this summer and the opportunities to soak those moments in.

ps. the top photo was taken June '95, while the bottom was taken July '14. It was an accident-on-purpose that both Harley and I were about the same age when each photo was taken. Nifty, right?

Also, Ice cream trucks haven't changed much in 20 years. 

taking stock

I ran across this list recently on another blog and could. not. resist filling it out. Honestly, I love reflective lists. I also think it works well as a friday, #wednesdaywhatnot post. Yeah, you read that right. 

Anyway, on with the listing. 

Making : jams to the tune of "larry boy" works for just about everything. "pajama time! pajama time!" was my latest rendition. 
Cooking : potato pancakes and cakeballs three nights ago (they were consumed separately)
Drinking : cold brew with vanilla creamer
Reading: in between books. treasured witty fav or new deep thought provoking book. That is the question.
Wanting: cold pizza.
Looking: at bountiful Kansas greenery. I have a major crush on it. 
Playing: The Civil Wars 
Wasting: time. always.
Sewing: wild oats? haha. For real though, not a darn thing. 
Wishing: for a vanilla coke
Enjoying: Dawson's Creek. I blame Netflix.
Waiting: for a somebody's nap to end. 
Liking: instagram squares 
Wondering: what the weather's like back home.
Loving: MaryKay's Cream to Powder foundation
Hoping: for another awesome midwestern storm.
Marvelling: at sunlight. 
Needing: a break from big data. too soon?
Smelling: shampoo
Wearing: a skirt and a cause tee. 
Following: bob, larry, and the rest of the veggies in their adventures. 
Noticing: the hum of the air conditioner and the washers spin cycle.
Knowing: without having to go outside that the humidity has a claim on the weather.
Thinking: this list requires a lot of critical thought. 
Feeling: the need to rebrush my teeth. coffee breath. ew. 
Bookmarking: this summer's adventures
Opening: a can of worms? probably.
Giggling: at the way an 20 month old says "Oh Yaaa" after he says hello. 
Feeling: like i'm in need of a nap or chocolate, either would work.  

black + white inspiration: for the hair

This summer has already been hot. And busy. Which means my hair has been in its natural state for most of it. My momma has curls and my daddy has stick straight hair, so what does that give me? This.

But I can only get a good 2 days out of it before it starts looking funny. So to squeeze a third day out of it, I've been using the small things blog  triple twist tutorial, that you can watch here. It is super simple, loose and messy, just perfect for a hot summer day. 

I was also inspired by a black and white picture of one of my relatives whom cannot be determined. No name, no ideas, no nothing. But she's cute and sassy and all about working hard. Its a great photo with or without an identity. Also, do you see that little boy to the left of her with the cute little hat on? Yeah we don't know who he is either, but man he's cute. 

So with that inspiration in mind, I decided to switch up the style just a bit and go a little more 40s by adding an old bandanna. Which ended up looking like a modern day Rosie the Riveter. Score.

I also happened to wear this look for the Fourth of July, I mean, you can't get any more patriotic than Rosie the Riveter. Am I right? 

Anywho, that's the look. Don't be afraid to switch things up a time or two. Happy monday! 

Wednesdays are meant for pink

I haven't posted a #wednesdaywhatnot in awhile and I've missed it (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, start here.) I love seeing a snippet of y'alls day or learning something new about you each week. 

So we're still at it, even with the inconsistencies.

I went easy this week and asked simply what everybody was up to on their Wednesday. I got responses from sipping on sweet tea to adventures in Alaska as well as touring art museums in Poland. Y'all really are digging deep into summer and I'm loving it. 

I found myself whipping up a strawberry cake* and singing along to Patsy Cline. That woman and baking make me weepy for some reason. Sheesh. 

The cake then became delicious cake balls later in the afternoon when I spent some time with a sweet old friend sharing in the "art" of making them and watching Harry Potter movies. I love how baking brings women together like no other, its a community effort with a sweet result that truly can't be obtained by any other activity. You build foundations and grow roots while baking. (If you have been reading for awhile, you know I like talking about cake, if you haven't, read here.)

The finished product yielded Chocolate Covered Strawberry and Mounds (think candy bar) scrumptious little morsels. If college doesn't pan out, I'm going into the cake ball business. I mean, who needs a degree when you have cake? (no need to panic, I'm just joking.) 

It definitely has been one of my favorite afternoons of the summer.  

Where did you find yourself this past Wednesday?

*On Wednesdays, we bake pink cakes. (get it?)